In the deepest depth of IF/RPL hell- you all know what this is way to well- the moments after the call from a clinic saying you are not pregnant, the moment in the hope filled ultrasound room when you see the look on the doctor’s face, the moment when your friend posts a cute pregnancy announcement exactly three months after her wedding, the moment you stare down a new batch of IVF meds and wonder how you can keep doing it. In those moments I had one promise to myself: not to become bitter. I was ok with being sad, really sad. With being mad, really mad. With frustration, jealousy, all of it. Just not bitter.
Bitterness grows deep inside you and makes you a different person. A darker person. It ages you and wears you down and puts a dark veil over everything. Avoiding it was my one big promise to myself. It is not easy. Having to sacrifice body, mind, wallet and sanity to claw your way to something so many easily obtain can suck the life out of you. Reading news articles about really terrible mothers with five kids can make you scream.
But bitterness eats you up inside. It plants a seed of being the victim. It paints a picture of you vs. the world and can make you even more isolated than this journey makes you feel.
Those that procreate easily did not choose this fate for us. A mean God did not pick us to suffer more. The world did not band against us to make life hard. Similar to how cancer does not discriminate, neither does Infertility. We simply were unlucky in fertility. It is not our fault but it is not anyone else’s fault either. Don’t let the way the world around you seems to move on without you make you feel like it is against you. It isn’t. Even your annoying Aunt who keeps asking about when a baby is coming, or your best friend who knows your struggle yet still harps on about how hard it is to be a Mom to three kids are not against you. They are at worst innocently naive and caught in their own world.
So let yourself feel angry and sad and frustrated and just deflated. But don’t let it make you bitter. You are not battling the fertile world, you are battling the shit that is Infertility. You are making yourself resilient and empathetic and compassionate through this fight. Don’t let it take the core of who you are.
Instead, let it define you as someone who can weather the worst and resurface better. That part is a choice. It may not feel like one and some moments self defeat and sadness is all we can muster. That is ok. But don’t let yourself down the rabbit hole of being bitter. Fight that. You are not Infertility or RPL. You are a simply an amazing woman who happens to be facing IF/RPL.
Sending my love to all of you.