For a long while ( all through IF) I envied my ‘fertile’ friends. They had so easily all that I longed for and paid for and went through agony for. I would distance myself and secretly ( or not if you ask my husband) avoid them at all costs. It was a glaring reminder of my broken body, my lost dreams and my deepest desire unfulfilled.

Since having my son, I no longer avoid them and find it odd that I sincerely no longer envy them. In fact, sometimes quite the opposite. I was with one fertile friend ( pregnant first month of trying ugghhh) this morning. Her son is a few months younger than mine. She was telling me about how hard it is to have no free time, how much she misses sleep and that she can’t hang out during 10-4 each day because her son is napping and she needs to keep him on a tight schedule. While I know she very much loves her son- motherhood through her eyes was so depressing and seemed to lack joy.

I have a loose schedule for my son but I wake up each morning thinking about the fun things I can do with him. If he wakes up in the middle of the night I cuddle him on the couch and feel lucky for those moments as I know it is fleeting. We say yes to fun Mommy dates and if he skips a nap, I try to make it up later or deal with a little bit of an overtired guy. Now I realize that motherhood is such a personal journey and there are no right answers ( for all I know she is grooming a disciplined behaved boy and mine will be a terror). But what I do know is that my horrific IF journey made me find such deep joy in the little moments and treasure each hour with my little guy. For the amount of jealousy,envy and bitterness I had for my fertile friends before ( only human here) it has since  been erased.

For any of you out there struggling with IF or ‘fertile envy’ please know that one day the battle will be worth it. You will make it to the other side and have the gift of true gratitude.

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