I am a recently graduated IF warrior. I have a beautiful 8 month old son after rounds and rounds of failed IVF cycles. I finally found my ‘one good egg’ and man is that egg good. This blog isn’t really about my perfect little boy but about how IF will leave a scar on my heart and forever change who I am.
Scars are not always bad. They can signify survival from battle. They can be laced with memories of survival, reminders to not sweat the small stuff and a badge of honor. Until about a month ago my scar of IF was a reminder of the pain, the hopelessness and the battle. I would flashback on the moment I found out the first IVF cycle failed and I hung up the phone and fell to the floor sobbing. I wanted to crawl into bed and not wake up until the hell of having an empty barren womb was over.
Now I think back to the remarkable determination and strength it took. I would pick myself up again and brave the needles, the wait and the desperate hope all over again. I look at my husband playing with our boy and flash back to him whisking me away to a romantic weekend after a failure and reminding me he loves me, broken ovaries and all. I remember how my twin sister ( also battling IF) would hold me up, and hold me together every time I broke down convinced I would never be a Mother. I look at my son and am filled with gratitude and pride that I was able to have him.
I listen to some of my other Mom friends grumble about sleep and stress ( understandably so) and feel grateful that I would get an excited and relieved feeling every time my son woke me up in the middle of the night. The wound of IF was fresh and I would hug his crying body with such fervor and feel peace. I know how lucky I am to truly treasure all the moments. After all- life is the compilation of these little moments and to feel pure joy in so many of them is a great gift that IF gave me.
I follow so many other IF blogs and feel my heart break with bad news and rejoice with good news. I am forever in this battle with these other strong ladies. If you are reading this still in the heat of the fight- please know I can feel your pain, desperation and hope and your day will come. Somehow, some way. As you battle, I will be here rooting for you and sending you love.