So I am embarking once again on IVF and I feel a flood of emotions. I feel mild optimism ( a must to endure the hell that is IVF) but mainly I feel guarded and muted. I know the emotional roller coaster all too well: no cyst- yay!, only five follicles- boo, seven eggs- yay!, only two fertilized- boo, one blast- yay!… You get the gist.

I feel so grateful for my life right now and am kind of scared to get on this roller coaster. I don’t want my son, my husband, my twin, my Mom all to have to get onboard again and relive the hell in hopes of a miracle. I have decided that to properly protect all of us, I must not put too much stake into each step, each cycle. Just focus on getting to the end goal. I know how lucky I am to be trying for my second baby. This must sound so greedy to those still waiting for their first miracle.

Some mornings when I wake up and look at my beautiful miracle IVF baby boy, I feel an overwhelming relief and joy. But I am quickly sobered when I think of how many women woke up that morning wishing with everything they are to have a nursery to walk into- a crying baby to wake up to. I feel a deep pain for those ladies who are yet to have a baby to call them Mom. These women who so long to feel the sweet breath of a sleeping baby on their chest, feel a little hand absently stroking their skin while breastfeeding or watch a baby look frantically around the room for the one face they want to see- theirs and smile with their whole baby body when they find it. I stand there quietly in that moment when I am getting my little guy up for the day and hope with everything I have that these women get their good news, that it is their turn.

I have such gratitude to have my son and know how lucky I am. If there were a certain allotment of babies I would certainly forgoe having another so that one of these hopeful and deserving women can have their one, their first. But alas this is not how the world works, so I am embarking once again on the IVF journey to try for another miracle, give my son a sibling and then retire these tired ovaries.