Before I dove into the IF and RPL blog world, I thought my story was one of such pain, strength and sorrow. Diagnosed with low AMH and a minimal chance even IVF would work. Failed IVF cycles one after another while women around me got pregnant. Then finally, my BFP, followed by an early MS threat but ultimately a healthy boy.
My story is a fairy tale compared to so many other stories. Women enduring loss after loss after loss and expecting to just go on with life. Continue working and trying and hoping. Other ladies who have been trying for years and years with continuing bad news, donor eggs with no BFP and the hardship continues.
I am humbled by these stories. Amazed that these women still manage to live, to go to work, to love, to keep a marriage, to find joy where they can and to think of others. It is a true testament to the strength of the human spirit. Barely an hour goes by when I don’t think about their stories. I wonder what they are doing on a beautiful fall day, how they manage to swallow the pain and despair and keep going.
Then I think back to my darkest days and remember some of the moments I felt the most alive. After a long and ugly cry when I would emerge from the house and the sky looked so blue, the world was so bright and the air so crisp. I could hear the birds singing, the sound of someone laughing, feel the wind and remember I am still here. The world keeps moving and I can either make the most of it or wallow inside and stop living. Moments after bad news when my husband and I would hold each other tight, he would say exactly what I needed to hear and we would laugh and cuddle on the couch for hours. My love for him felt so deep, my gratitude for having him so profound.
I wonder if these strong and lovely women I follow have these moments too. I imagine they do. I hope they do. These are the moments that will carry them forward until the inevitable day the pain is over. Somehow, someway. I wish any of you reading this still going through the pain, moments of life and love and joy until you are on the other side.