My lovely neighbor who is in her mid fifties and has no children of her own (by choice) asked me a pretty blunt question that has me thinking lately. She knows a summary of my IF journey (8 IVF cycles and one son and currently trying for a sibling). She is kind and supportive but I can tell also a little baffled. 

As I described the typical ‘stims’ period to her she looked a little shocked and queasy. After hearing more about the process while my little boy very cutely tried to keep the attention on him, she turned to me and asked “when is this (pointing to my son) enough?”  While I don’t necessarily love the way she asked it I got her point. 

When is it enough for me to treasure and adore and be complete with my miracle son? He is indeed my whole world and my heart. I very,very rarely lose sight of the miracle he is and am almost never depressed or down throughout this process to have another. I feel so fortunate to have him and am just hopeful for a sibling.

That being said– I thought about it and kind of have an answer. I will be done trying for another when the process of trying begins to negatively impact my son. Currently I keep my emotions pretty even throughout each failed IVF cycle. I don’t mean I am void of emotions ( still have a good cry every now and then and feel down during certain times) but I am well aware that my mood and situation is impacting him. I don’t want to harm his emotional well being because I want more. I don’t want to fall into a deep depression and be unable to be fully invested in raising him. Don’t get me wrong- sometimes I am frustrated and sick of waiting but I almost always feel joy and love when I am around him- not frustration and an aching need for more.

I am not sure how many more failures (and how much more debt we can climb into) but I will keep trying until I can tell it is no longer just a part of my life but it is all consuming and negative for my son. I feel like I will know when this line is crossed and hope I have enough perspective and strength to make the right decision. It still feels very far off and I am hopeful I will never get there.

Side note*** My gosh is this a great ‘problem’ to have trying for a sibling. I am so lucky and know that many would only dream of this type of situation. For that I am grateful and wish all of those with empty arms and aching hearts would have their dreams granted way before mine. If only the universe worked that way :). Xoxo

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