So I got the dreaded call this morning that after cycles of embryo banking, the suspense of PGS testing, the drama of a slow growing lining for my FET to finally transfer the one genetically normal embryo and the long and torturous 2WW, I am indeed not pregnant. Months and months of build up and close to 50k yielded nothing. I cried, I pleaded, I may have even screamed in frustration. I let myself feel the release and the sadness then I picked myself up and am brushing myself off. My husband drove straight home so we could cry together (rather he consoled me while I cried). Then we made each other laugh, started planning our next move and pointed out any positives here ( wine anybody???).
I refuse to dwell in the what ifs, the could haves, even the should haves. I have to make something of this horrific journey or it is simply wasted time. I have been given a lot. So much of my life is a dream come true and I refuse to waste what I have wanting more. I know it is ok to grieve, and I did, but I refuse to dwell. I do not want to look back on this time and feel like I wasted a beautiful husband, a truly miracle son and a lovely life. So- I downed a shot of expresso and took a long run.
I have decided there must be a purpose to all of this and I think my purpose is to show the people around me how to be resilient, not give up and have gratitude in the face of hardship. I want my family and friends to think of me when they are going through something really hard and draw from my attitude and strength. I want to inspire those I love and maybe help someone cope through a hard time.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not Pollyana. I know this is hard and unfair and it hurts. I screamed and cried ( sorry lovely husband and twin sis) but now I will move on. The doctor is convinced we have all the parts we need and it is just the luck of getting that egg, of finding our baby so I will keep trying. But first, wine. Lots of it and preferably a nice big red cab.
I am eternally grateful to this community and I am inspired and given strength by so many of you who have shown me what resilience looks like. Love to you all.