So I got the dreaded call this morning that after cycles of embryo banking, the suspense of PGS testing, the drama of a slow growing lining for my FET to finally transfer the one genetically normal embryo and the long and torturous 2WW, I am indeed not pregnant. Months and months of build up and close to 50k yielded nothing. I cried, I pleaded, I may have even screamed in frustration. I let myself feel the release and the sadness then I picked myself up and am brushing myself off. My husband drove straight home so we could cry together (rather he consoled me while I cried). Then we made each other laugh, started planning our next move and pointed out any positives here ( wine anybody???).
I refuse to dwell in the what ifs, the could haves, even the should haves. I have to make something of this horrific journey or it is simply wasted time. I have been given a lot. So much of my life is a dream come true and I refuse to waste what I have wanting more. I know it is ok to grieve, and I did, but I refuse to dwell. I do not want to look back on this time and feel like I wasted a beautiful husband, a truly miracle son and a lovely life. So- I downed a shot of expresso and took a long run.
I have decided there must be a purpose to all of this and I think my purpose is to show the people around me how to be resilient, not give up and have gratitude in the face of hardship. I want my family and friends to think of me when they are going through something really hard and draw from my attitude and strength. I want to inspire those I love and maybe help someone cope through a hard time.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not Pollyana. I know this is hard and unfair and it hurts. I screamed and cried ( sorry lovely husband and twin sis) but now I will move on. The doctor is convinced we have all the parts we need and it is just the luck of getting that egg, of finding our baby so I will keep trying. But first, wine. Lots of it and preferably a nice big red cab.
I am eternally grateful to this community and I am inspired and given strength by so many of you who have shown me what resilience looks like. Love to you all.
theskyandback said:
I am tearing up again reading this. But you are, my friend, truly an inspiration! Your faith and positive attitude inspire me every single day, especially now. I am so grateful to have you as friend. Your baby is coming. You will find each other. I know this.
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you for these words. Perfect. Xoxo
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Surviving Infertility said:
I am very sorry that this time didnt work out. That aside, you are the perfect example of someone resilient who faces these tough situations gracefully. I know u have inspired and encouraged me many times throughout my journey. I thank you for that! I believe that your miracle is on its way, but in the meantime I am so glad u will continue to enjoy the miracles you already have ππ
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mamajo23 said:
That means so much to me. Thank you!!
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Jos said:
Oh man, this brought tears to my eyes when I saw it in my inbox. I am so sorry to read this, but I am impressed with how you are approaching your grief with strength and resiliency. You are amazing!
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you for caring and for the support. What would we all do without each other?? Glad I don’t have to find out π
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Samantha said:
So very sorry π¦ I love that you’re looking at it in such a positive light. I did the same thing after my loss and then my bout with IF. I told myself I was meant to go through it and part of me truly believes it. All the hugs to you.
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you so much. I am glad you can see the light too. Xo
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Nara said:
OH CRAP. I am so sorry to read this. Life is bloody unfair at times. I want to thank you for all your support and for being such an inspiration (sorry if that sounds hollow but you are, in your attitude and supportiveness). I know you are a good person, and sometimes bad things happen to good people, but your story ain’t over yet. The fat lady hasn’t yet burst into song! I am sorry that this round hasn’t worked but I hope the next is the one! Sending you hugs xx
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mamajo23 said:
What a fantastic note to read first thing when I started my day today. Thank you so much. I agree- the good stuff for us both is yet to come! Xo
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Nara said:
Hey. You are there for everyone else, so just remember everyone else is there for you. We are rooting for you! X
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mamajo23 said:
That makes me feel so good π
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Nara said:
Aww. It was meant to! X
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Isabelle said:
OH girl, I admire your strength and positive attitude. This sucks big time though. After all the effort and the financial investment, the negative outcome is just so heartbreaking. I am thankful for you that you have the support of your husband and sister. I will remember this: it’s okay to grieve but not to dwell. Wise words. β€
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mamajo23 said:
I really appreciate your support. That is a great summary!
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ourgreatestdesire said:
I am so sorry but Girl, I so admire you! I know we haven’t followed each other for a super long time yet, but you are such an inspiration. Drink that wine and be so good to yourself while you go through this. I love that you’re still counting your Blessings even through the difficult times!
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mamajo23 said:
I definitely feel like we would be real life friends and am glad I found you on the Internet. Thank you for the encouragement. Appreciate it! Xo
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ourgreatestdesire said:
I think we would be too!
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Dreaming of Diapers said:
No clue how I missed this π¦ I have no words mamajo….except maybe it absolutely sucks…So many things do not make sense to me right now. You did everything “right”. I just don’t get it and I am truly sad with you….if you were close, I’d bring a bottle of wine to you and we could both drink it…you near L.A. by chance?? I’m serious. You have an amazing attitude and I just know that something good will happen soon. Thinking of you…and again…WINE…I’m in if you’re ever near me! xoxo
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mamajo23 said:
I would so love to have some wine with you. Thank you so much for these nice words. I am outside of San Francisco. If there is any chance you are ever within driving distance of me I would love to see you. Xoxo
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Dreaming of Diapers said:
EEk! Where outside of SF…my fam lives near Dublin, CA?? Might be there over the holidays..xoxo
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mamajo23 said:
Oh My Gosh!!! Sausalito. Let’s meet up for coffee or wine!!?!?!??
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My Perfect Breakdown said:
I am just so sorry that this wasn’t your time. I want nothing more then for your arms to be filled once again! You deserves this and I just wish life wasn’t so unfair.
While you are nothing short of inspirational to those of us also waiting and hoping our way through building our families, I wish you didn’t have to be. I wish you could just have your dreams come true and be be inspirational with all your mommy and kid adventures. That said, you truly have an outlook and attitude that I admire, thank you for always shining your light so brightly
(P.S. I have no idea why your blog never shows up in my reader, I need to remember to check your blog specifically more frequently so I’m not so late with my comments and thoughts).
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mamajo23 said:
This was perfectly timed. Gave me motivation and inspiration to keep staying positive. Thank you so very much.
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30yr old nothing said:
I’m so very sorry. I wish you didn’t have to go through this. I hope that you’re doing okay. I’m keeping you in my thoughts. xx
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