This year already feels so different than the years of the past. I entered it with another IVF failure (number 6 since my miracle boy) but really who is counting. Not me. Not this year. I can’t quite pinpoint the exact moment of mental change. Maybe the hormones are gone for now, maybe I am just used to the roller coaster, or more likely I am on a total high from the news of my close blogger friend MPB receiving the match of her beautiful baby. When I heard the news the universe just felt right and I couldn’t feel any negativity, not even for my own failure.
It suddenly dawned on me that this journey will have a happy ending. It may not be the one we initially thought. It could be donor eggs, donor embryo, surrogacy, adoption or even something I don’t even have on my radar. And when that ending comes I know it will feel so perfect and I couldn’t imagine it any other way. The miracle of a baby, a child, a little soul that gets to join your family no matter how it got there is so overwhelmingly beautiful that the journey will fade away. I imagine it takes a while for the pain and hardship to disappear completely but I am fully confident the joy will outweigh it.
This realization has made me turn the corner. I have always been positive and hopeful and kept perspective but still felt deep down like life was on pause until my baby was in my arms. I now feel such faith in the eventual ending of this journey that the sting of seeing a pregnant lady, or a friend announcing a baby on the way still has the initial pang ( that must be reflex by now) but disappears rather quickly. I have started the year off soaking in all the joys in my life, reveling in the good news of blogger friends and feeling a sense of peace and hope I haven’t felt for a while.
I realize that not every journey has a textbook ‘happy ending’. I am not naive and know that money can run out, the body can disappoint and plans can fall through. I do however, fully believe that if we can let go of what ‘should be’ and make the most of ‘what is’ and keep fighting and pushing forward we can find our own version of a happy ending. The road may be long, the end may look different than we thought but it can be happy.
I wish that this is the year the journey ends, or hope grows for every one of you. Xo