You know the one. When the shock and then burst of strength and resilience after a failure has faded. When the next cycle is coming up but not quite here. That moment when you feel bone tired thinking about yet another ivf cycle yet still have an occasional jolt of hope and optimism that keeps you going, keeps you handing over your credit card for the 4k in drugs and calling the clinic for the baseline appointment. The hope keeps you plowing through the Groundhog Day of answering the same questions and filling out the same forms for the ninth time in a row. The days when you know you can have a glass of wine at night and a cup of coffee in the morning but in just a few days you will be sober and caffeine-less once again.

This lull is historically the most challenging for me. I am not doing anything directly to finally get pregnant, I have been on BCP so no ‘surprise’ pregnancy is in the back of my mind, the grit and blind optimism that propels me forward after a failure has started to fade and I am not yet in the throes of hormones and appointments when just getting to the next milestone keeps me going.  As I sit here contemplating whether to have a glass of wine because I can or green juice because I should, I remind myself of a few things.

I am fortunate enough that I can afford a treatment option. Even if it is on credit cards we have a line of credit available.

Every BCP pill, every passing month and every failed cycle is one closer to when we get good news and this journey is over.

I am one of the truly truly lucky ones with a miracle son in my arms. I don’t want to lose perspective or get greedy.

A mere twenty years ago a woman in my position would have very few options. I know I will find my happy ending even if I have to get creative and allow it to look a little different than I thought.

Happiness comes when we let go of what we thought ‘should be’ and instead embrace ‘what is’.

Hope is always a good plan. It is ok to have a healthy dose of realism to buffer the fall but always keep hope alive

 

I will keep reading this list to get through the lull. That- and pour myself a big glass of wine. It always seems to trump green juice when both are an option. Sending lots of love to all of you in this battle. Xo

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