Yesterday was beta day and it came back at 38 which is very low for 12dp3dt. I kept a slight optimism since my son started with a low beta but this morning I woke up to full flow. While I am disappointed, I refuse to let it knock me down.

Yes this journey has been beyond expensive. Yes it is so much pain and work and ups and downs every IVF cycle. Yes this is my 9th stim cycle and 7th transfer. Yes I want this wait and hell to be over. But..

I am one of the lucky ones with a beautiful miracle son. I have a marriage that is annoyingly great and loving and fun and supportive. I live in a beautiful area and get to be at home with my son and explore it. I live in an era with medical advancements that give me hope. I have so many friends and family that support and love me. I have all of you who I know understand this pain and we can lift each other up when we need it.

We have decided to get immune testing done by Dr. Braverman and take a month off to just let my body rest. I will have wine and coffee and go for long runs, work on my start up companies, refresh, then fight again.

I have said it before but a big part of my coping mechanism is that I want to be someone I am proud of when this is all over. I refuse to let IF take my confidence and sparkle. Instead, I want it to highlight that I can take defeat and hardship with grace and still find gratitude and joy during the struggle.

Lots of love to you all. Xo

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