**trigger warning** early miscarriage mentioned

 

It has been a roller coaster week and a half. Here is a summary:

First beta low (37) but a fifty fifty chance it is just a late implantation. Slight hope.

Following day start bleeding. Bleed for two days and hope fades.

Next beta doubled perfectly. Wow- hope restored but still cautious.

Two days later beta doubled again. Looking good and first ultrasound scheduled. Start to allow myself to really hope.

Bleeding again the following day but light and mostly brown and pink. Maybe just lost an embryo? Schedule another beta.

Beta comes black lower but not by a lot so they think maybe just one of two embryos that implanted failed hence the bleeding. Not an idiot and not holding out hope but clinic still seems hopeful. Kind of frustrated by their ‘theory’ and continued hope for me since I want to stop my meds and move on. The up and down is torture.

Next beta low, officially miscarried.

So- you would think this crappy roller coaster would leave me exhausted, sad and defeated. Sad yes- for a bit. Sad because your body starts to grow this beautiful life, you feel it physically and your mind starts to think of the future and everything feels so fragile and new then it is all taken away. But not defeated or exhausted. I could taste the beauty of a new life growing inside me and I know it will happen again. I know one day it will keep growing until it is in my arms. I know the right soul will find us and it just wasn’t our time.

I am filled with gratitude for my miracle son. Filled with gratitude for my blogger friends who are pregnant or have their miracle son (MPB). I am thankful for my husband has been unbelievable throughout this whole thing. He is CEO of a successful growing tech company but has dropped everything and rushed home, cancelled trips and been right by my side for every turn. He is strong and unwavering in his optimism but holds me tight when I cry. He is the man I will have by my side forever, even after our kids are grown and having him with me makes it all bearable.

While I certainly would want a different outcome this time, it has shown me once again that IF won’t break me. It won’t divide my husband and I, it won’t take away my hope for the future and I will eventually defeat it. The victory may look different then I thought (donor eggs, or another unconventional path) but somehow I will be on the other side and I will have my whole self intact. That is my mantra. And on that note- I am about to down some espresso and take my miracle boy on a long jog. Love to all of you fighting this battle. Thank you for being a part of mine. Xo

 

Advertisements