After our WTF appointment with our RE and a few discussions we have decided on a plan moving forward. It is basically two prong: test and bank. We don’t want to completely press pause for the months it takes to go through Braverman testing so we are moving forward with an embryo banking cycle at the same time. I just got (17!!) vials of blood drawn and off to a lab somewhere that will give me some sort of answer on why I keep having failed IVF cycles (albeit still a bit controversial in the IF world how valid) in about six weeks. Meanwhile, I start my BCP tomorrow to gear up for an embryo banking cycle starting in about three weeks. Our thought process is we will try to somehow find one or two or if only to be so lucky three normal embryos to work with by going through a number of embryo banking cycles. If Dr. Braverman thinks we have endometriosis or something else that can potentially be ‘fixed’ to help egg quality or sustain a pregnancy we will press pause on banking and do that of course. Our own RE also recommends a uterine receptivity test to help determine the best implantation window before we think about transfer. But– best case scenario that is a good six months away.

The money part of this whole thing is mind blowing. My husband and I were joking last night that one day when this is all over we are going to have to take up gambling because we will have withdrawals from throwing money into high stakes, low odds situations. I don’t want to keep calculations because that is depressing but I know we have easily spent north of 120,000. The good news is I had saved up a ton of money in my old high-powered sales job but the bad news is that has runout and we have long dipped into savings and now are taking out loans. But you know what? I am one of the lucky ones. I can get approved for a loan. I live in a time where treatments are an option. I have support and hope. If I am still paying these damn loans back when I am 80- I am determined to at least have my kids and (dare I hope) grandkids to remind me why.

To get through the next six to eight plus months of waiting, probing, testing, hoping, pregnancy announcements, births, etc I am changing my mindset. I am not focused on any sort of timeline for this next pregnancy. I am only focused on the steps along the way to it eventually happening. I have no time frame in my mind and just instead visualize an eventual healthy pregnancy that WILL come and when it does it will feel like the perfect time.

For now I will focus on being a fun and loving wife and Mom. I will go for long runs, drink big glasses of wine (on occasion) and embrace what is, not what ‘should’ be. I am also intent on being fun, spontaneous and light for my saint of a husband. I am so lucky for him and never want to lose sight of that. I don’t want this infertility to drag us down. I decided the day we married that one of my main goals in life is to make his life happy and fun. I am intent on keeping this promise.

I hope you ladies are able to find a way to embrace what is and not what should be. It is so very hard but so very helpful. I also hope to be reading about happy endings to your own journeys as I wait for mine. Xo