There is something so cruel about having to set your alarm to take drugs three times a day, cut down on alcohol and caffeine, get that TTC belly bloat, feel hormonal and lethargic yet all of it for a pretend cycle. No chance of success or progress– just a test cycle before the real one starts and you do it all over again.

Currently a week into my mock cycle to do an Endometrial Receptivity Assay ( in short is my lining being time appropriately for transfer). While I know checking this (3k!!) box is the right thing to do it just feels a bit demoralizing. Having to go through all of this to get pregnant is rough enough but doing it all with no chance of pregnancy makes it hard to take in stride and be propelled by hope.

I do know I am one of the lucky ones. I can look at my son to get true motivation and inspiration. I get to be a Mom and join the coveted club we dream of. I get overwhelmed with gratitude many times a day. I won’t ever lose sight of my fortune.

But still- sometimes I wonder if I should just enjoy being a mom to my one son and move on with life. My most likely scenario is this mock cycle, another one to transfer two genetically normal embryos that won’t take then surgery across the country then 6 week recovery then I start the IVF journey all over again. Today just thinking about all that exhausts me.Β I have such a beautiful life. Gorgeous son, great marriage, budding business, healthy and fun family and live in one of the best cities in the world yet my life is consumed and dulled by constant barrage of doctors appointments, needle pricks, heavy hormones and drained bank account. I just wonder when I should truly just enjoy my current good fortune instead of needing more.

I think part of why I am feeling this way is I know we are climbing deeper and deeper into debt. I am frantically trying to build my business from home while being a full time Mom with no help. My husband works long hours and travels a lot and we can’t afford any help. All this with a body full of hormones and minimal caffeine. Look, I get these are first world problems. Translated another way I am basically saying I have so much in life my only real problem is trying to get more. I truly know these are great ‘problems’. I get to have a child that needs looking after. But if I am honest, knowing that still doesn’t stop the stress and exhaustion and frustration from creeping in.

So my plan right now is to just live in the moment the best I can. Not think too far down the road. Just appreciate what I have now and put one foot in front of the other or more aptly put one needle in after the other. If I think too much about the long road ahead it distracts me from enjoying what I have now.

Love to all of you who I know would only wish for these ‘problems’. I hope you know I acknowledge it could be so much harder and I commend you for your stamina and strength.