There is something so cruel about having to set your alarm to take drugs three times a day, cut down on alcohol and caffeine, get that TTC belly bloat, feel hormonal and lethargic yet all of it for a pretend cycle. No chance of success or progress– just a test cycle before the real one starts and you do it all over again.
Currently a week into my mock cycle to do an Endometrial Receptivity Assay ( in short is my lining being time appropriately for transfer). While I know checking this (3k!!) box is the right thing to do it just feels a bit demoralizing. Having to go through all of this to get pregnant is rough enough but doing it all with no chance of pregnancy makes it hard to take in stride and be propelled by hope.
I do know I am one of the lucky ones. I can look at my son to get true motivation and inspiration. I get to be a Mom and join the coveted club we dream of. I get overwhelmed with gratitude many times a day. I won’t ever lose sight of my fortune.
But still- sometimes I wonder if I should just enjoy being a mom to my one son and move on with life. My most likely scenario is this mock cycle, another one to transfer two genetically normal embryos that won’t take then surgery across the country then 6 week recovery then I start the IVF journey all over again. Today just thinking about all that exhausts me. I have such a beautiful life. Gorgeous son, great marriage, budding business, healthy and fun family and live in one of the best cities in the world yet my life is consumed and dulled by constant barrage of doctors appointments, needle pricks, heavy hormones and drained bank account. I just wonder when I should truly just enjoy my current good fortune instead of needing more.
I think part of why I am feeling this way is I know we are climbing deeper and deeper into debt. I am frantically trying to build my business from home while being a full time Mom with no help. My husband works long hours and travels a lot and we can’t afford any help. All this with a body full of hormones and minimal caffeine. Look, I get these are first world problems. Translated another way I am basically saying I have so much in life my only real problem is trying to get more. I truly know these are great ‘problems’. I get to have a child that needs looking after. But if I am honest, knowing that still doesn’t stop the stress and exhaustion and frustration from creeping in.
So my plan right now is to just live in the moment the best I can. Not think too far down the road. Just appreciate what I have now and put one foot in front of the other or more aptly put one needle in after the other. If I think too much about the long road ahead it distracts me from enjoying what I have now.
Love to all of you who I know would only wish for these ‘problems’. I hope you know I acknowledge it could be so much harder and I commend you for your stamina and strength.
xo
Fighting Infertility 
Oh sweet friend, I was there where you were. RIGHT THERE. Different details obviously, but I understand, oh do I understand. I remember blogging about many of the same feelings as you right after my surgery. I was broken and ready to give up. But then, that’s when the miracle came. You are SO CLOSE. I can feel it. Truly, I believe this with all my heart. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Your sunshine is coming.
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There where you *are*, I meant to say, not were. 🙂
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Thank you thank you. Needed that motivation. Xoxoxoxo
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My friend, I read this and I sense you feel guilt for wanting another child. Especially because you already have one beautiful child who has blessed your life. But, please, I know it’s hard, but please try to let go of this. You have just as much right as anyone else in the world to want more and to hope for more!
I’ll be hoping with you every single step of the way! Because without hope we have nothing so I say keeping hoping so long as the desire exists in your heart.
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Thank you so much for saying that. I do feel guilt but I also feel a deep longing. Your support means so much. I love your last line. Read it a few times.
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Ah, that sounds awful! And it’s okay to feel bad about it… The drugs would make ANYONE feel bad, regardless of whether they have a kiddy or not. And I think you of all people are one of the most generous hearted and considerate mums (moms!) out there. You always take pains to say how you’re grateful that you are a mum, and as an infertile who has no children, I am really grateful that you do that. It can sometimes feel very wearing to hear people complain about secondary infertility but I never feel that with you. And gosh, taking all those meds with no hope of pregnancy must be so difficult emotionally! I can only just about get through this because I still hope. So take it easy on yourself. You are doing great, and you have your gang here who are behind you all the way! Xx
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Thank you Nara. Honestly your good news right now makes me happy and filled with hope. It gives me a boost in my faith in the universe. Thanks for supporting me.
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Also I do think one thing that people don’t acknowledge is the stress of debt. I have recently paid off mine and been saving like mad for the house, but before then when I was in debt and still supporting my ex, it sometimes felt like I was working for nothing. And that is a very stressful feeling. So if there’s anything you can do to alleviate the fears around the debt (maybe austerity like we did! Funnily enough it’s quite satisfying) then I would try and focus on that so you can free up some emotional resources. Xx
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You are so right. The debt feels like the thing weighing down my husband the most too and when he isn’t totally in high spirits it stresses me out. Good advice.
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I totally get it. When T was out of work and I was supporting my ex it was super stressful. But we made a plan (“austerity”) and we put together a list of things we would do, like spend no more than £10 per day per person (so you feel really pleased with yourself when you spend less! But some days you can spend more because you spent less other days) and stop unnecessary things like going out to drink or whatever. Spend X budget per week on groceries. Honestly it was really simple and tedious (T drew it all up on a big flipchart he made!) but it crystallised it in our minds and since then we have paid off all the debt and saved up the deposit for the house. It was hard, but having a shared goal meant we felt easier turning down expensive invitations and so on. You can do it. Once you do a little bit you can see the progress and it becomes a lot easier to handle mentally. X
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Such good advice. I am going to try it.
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Good luck on the mock cycle and I hope the ERA is helpful! You certainly are a wonderful person and you deserve a second child as much as the next person. Best wishes!
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Thanks so much!!
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You have a lot going on and I think it is completely fair enough for you to say that it isn’t easy. Other people may have different problems but yours are valid nonetheless. Big hugs to you. As you say, one step at a time. You can get through this. xxx
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Thank you for the encouraging words. Xo
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The mock cycle as beneficial as it is, is cruel on the mind, body and yes the wallet! I love that you are always thankful for what you have and think of others with less, but the yearning and heartache you feel is real and so hard. I admire your determination to live in the moment, I know that is so difficult when you are treading the path of fertility treatment. Stay strong, I have so much hope for you. xox
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Thank you for your validation and for your hope! Xo
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Thinking of you! The IVF world sounds unbearable – I think you have every right to be exhausted. I commend you for remembering all the good in your life and not taking it for granted. We can’t always have everything at one given moment, but we can hold hope for the future, disappointment in the now, and thankfulness for what is and what has passed simultaneously. I second what theskyandback said…I got pregnant right in that moment when I had all but given up. Literally, I had no idea we’d even try again because I thought it was so hopeless and a path destined for pain. I believe you are almost there too! Hugs!
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Thank you love. I am so happy you get to meet baby boy soon. Xo
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I don’t think you should feel bad or guilty or anything for wanting another child. I’m not even quite halfway through this pregnancy and I already think about how long it will take to have #2!! When I was young I thought I wanted 12 kids. When I hit adulthood I pared that down to 4. Once fertility issues started I dreamed that we would have 2. I still want that dream. I don’t think it makes me (or ANYONE that has struggled with infertility) greedy to want more than one little miracle. We all have wishes and dreams of our families most of our lives, and it’s disappointing when things don’t pan out the way we always wanted them to. You can’t feel bad for that. If your dream is to have 2, and you’re willing to put in the time, effort, and money to do so, nobody should rain on your parade!!! I hope your mock cycle goes well! Hang in there mama!! *hugs*
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Thank you so much for saying this Amy. And it is kind of funny because I have had the exact same journey of how many kids I want as you. Xo
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No problem. I feel like we all get into our own heads so much sometimes, that we just need this little reminder. ❤
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It is totally ok to have a poor me moment now and then. You most certainly don’t need to apologise for that. It is so overwhelming to go through. I had those same thoughts about maybe just leaving it and being happy with the one child but I am so glad we persisted with our investigations. Hang in there. Xx
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Thanks lovely. I am quite glad you persisted as well 🙂
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Wow. I had no idea you had to go through a mock cycle for an ERA test. Is it just a mock FET type cycle or are you taking stim meds? Sorry if that’s a dumb question. I totally understand how you’re feeling then. Hang in there! I want this to work for you so badly. xx
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Mock FET but with the immune drugs etc you would for an actual cycle too. Thank you for your support!
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Yikes! You have my support and love and strength and hugs and anything else you need!
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I will take it all!
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❤❤
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The debt from all this is just awful and unfair. It makes it all even more stressful on us, Ive also noticed how much more difficult it is for my husband to swallow it. Im sorry you are going through this, but I do believe your longing for another child will be fulfilled soon XX
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Thank you for your vote of confidence! Yes the money part is quite taxing. One day if I ever strike it rich I am going to start a fertility treatment fund to help others who want to go through ART but have no money. Xo
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I am so sorry you’re having such a difficult spell. It must be horrible going through all the drugs and awful side effects without the hope of a pregnancy as a result of it (well, as an immediate result of it).
I am also so sorry that you have had to incur such huge debts; debts which are just increasing at every stage. I know how stressed I feel about paying off my University debts, and they’re nothing in comparison to the IVF and adoption debts so many of you have been left with! It’s just awful when it’s not something you chose, and which so many people are given for free. BUT, as hard as it is, at least your debts will be for something so worthwhile! People get into that sort of debt for drugs/alcohol/gambling and all sorts. It will be worth it all when you have baby number two in your arms 🙂 and if that doesn’t happen (and there’s every chance it WILL happen) at least you could take comfort in the fact you did everything you possibly could.
Good luck over the next few weeks and months. I hope things start to feel a little better soon. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other 🙂
x x x
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I really appreciate waking up to your empathetic and thoughtful comment. Thank you for your support!
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