I had a break-through this weekend. I realized that the missing ‘joy’ I was describing was anticipation for the future not a lack of appreciation for the now.

Life is really a compilation of moments of ‘right now’. How often have you stopped and said I dreamt of this moment right here and am going to soak it up? My guess is not often enough. I know I need to do it more. While having hope and excitement for the future is a key part  and motivator of life- it is enjoying the now that makes for a full life. Too often life seems to be simply waiting for the next milestone. ‘When I graduate, when I meet someone, when I am married, when I have kids, when we have more money, when I am retired, etc. I refuse to be 75 and realize I just kept waiting for more instead of embracing the now.

So this weekend when I was on a beautiful costal hike with my husband and son I let go of the what ifs, forgot about the next dose of drugs in my backpack and soaked up the moment. Felt gratitude for my son, my husband, the weather. Remembered all those moments where I simply dreamed of one day having this life. Of finally being a Mom and going on a hike with my little family.

This morning when I woke up and put the kettle on, I basked in the quiet of the house, the taste of my tea with tons of honey and the sweet sounds of my son stirring. When we got in the car and left the house, I turned the music up loud and sang with gusto.

I think of my life now-a great marriage, my own successful business and my perfect son and realize I am living a life my  15 year old self would only dream of. Not a life my 35 year old self should wish to pass quickly- just hoping for more. I don’t want to just hope for this phase to pass. They pass quickly enough I might as well find the good and live the moments fully.

Yes I want this IF hell to be over but it will. One way or another this phase will pass. I want to look back on this time and be glad I lived in the moment. I appreciated my relative youth, my young family and all the good each moment has to offer.

So thank you all for your boosts and comments. I am happy to report I am back to me. Hope you all find joy in the small moments today. Xo

Ps- I do recognize this feeling of being able to live in the now and enjoy the present is due in large part to already having my miracle son. For those still waiting to be called Mom I know this is a lot harder to do. Sometimes all you can do is just get by and get through it. Hugs.