I just finished a memoir about life after infertility. It is essentially a memoir about a woman’s struggle with IF then her journey to try to start over in life as a child free woman when her treatment options failed. It was a fascinating read and really made me feel a mixture of emotions and my mind a dichotomy of thoughts.
She desperately tries many paths to get pregnant- ending her effort after two failed IVF cycles and I believe two FETs. Her angst and bravery and agony and resilience is most definitely inspiring. I feel so beyond fortunate that one of my IVF cycles brought me my boy- I cannot imagine ending this hell with no child. the mere thought cripples me with depression. How she has moved past it and spent so much of her life trying to break the silence by sharing her story is amazing.
She made a number of great observations- one that really stuck out was how our society in many ways does not really validate women until or unless they become a Mom. It was heartbreaking to read about her own experiences and I certainly have noticed my own. While I never talk about my son to anyone who is baby making age without a baby, Β it made me so much more aware of how I talk and act out in the world. I am careful not to say anything flippant or potentially hurtful.
There were a few parts of the book I found unsettling. One- how she was seemingly derogatory towards donor eggs, adoption etc. While she is careful to specify it wasn’t right for them but can be for others- her judgemental phrasing and comments were pretty disparaging. I think the fact that there are so many options to grow a family and have a child is a truly beautiful thing. The people that choose this path do so with an open heart, often a wounded past and a beautiful soul. It was hard not to be turned off by her attitude to these alternative options.
The second thing that was unsettling to me was her hatred and anger towards fertiles. I think part of the reason I find this unsettling is because I have some of those same irrational feelings and seeing them written on paper was like looking in a mirror and not liking what you see. But another larger part of me feels like I have worked past so much of that resentment and understand that no one else has my baby and that everyone is on their own path and usually doing the best they can. Insensitive comments and actions by Fertiles are so often completely ignorant. They have not been given the perspective we all have.
Let me say that I totally recognize that these criticisms are coming from someone who has her own version of a happy ending. My own judgement is not fair or balanced since I have not walked in her shoes. I have purposefully left out the name of the book and author because I don’t want to publicly place criticism.
However– I left the book feeling grateful that I carry with me a huge sense of optimism and gratitude. It inspires me to continue my effort and need to leave this battle proud of the person I was when I fought it. I want to look back and feel like I kept perspective and grace and optimism when it wasn’t easy (like now when I am heading into IVF try 10 and facing potential surgery). I need to hang onto my pride in who I am. I need to leave this battle still loving the person I was and the person I have become. It helps to have so many of you ladies to gain inspiration from like My Perfect Breakdown, Quest of Binky Moongee and so many others. Not everyday will we fight valiantly and act honorably but if we can stay the course the best we can, we can love who we are on the other side.
Love to you all on this beautiful Sunday. Xo
Nara said:
You are so insightful! I think I have the irrational anger, and I can rationalise it, but it doesn’t make it go away. And that comes from the place of having been through infertility for many years and not having a child. I think if (big if) I manage to have a child then it will be easier to be graceful towards fertiles, but I do harbour anger that we have to deal with it (and I have to swallow my grief and pretend it doesn’t bother me most of the time). That’s why blogs are a good outlet, because we don’t have to give out potentially hurtful words to people we care about in real life. But I do think that the whole of society is sort of set up to tell you that you’re not a proper / useful woman if you don’t have a child.
Thanks for this thought provoking post and wishing you all the luck for this cycle. Xx
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mamajo23 said:
I can so see exactly what you mean. Thank you for reading. Really happy that you have that little growing baby right now and so hopeful you will have a little one in your arms.
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theskyandback said:
I was wondering where you were with your next try, but didn’t want to ask because I know you like to keep it on the down low. Know that I’m thinking of you and feeling so much hope!
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mamajo23 said:
Thanks! Still waiting to hear if my biopsy was normal or not so in the middle of either another mock cycle or a potential FET. So happy for your beautiful girl in your arms!!
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My Own Parade said:
At first when you said you finished a memoir, I thought you meant you had written one!! I was like….. YESSSSSS! Haha. Sounds like a very compelling read, just as your posts always are. π What is the book called?
Wishing you luck for lucky number #10. You are a strong and gracious woman. xo
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you so much for your kind words. It is called Silent Sorority. Hope you are doing well. Xo
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stealingnectar said:
I always love and admire your attitude and perspective, and this blog post exemplifies why again. You have had quite a crazy journey yourself, but you never fail to have gratitude and express openness to other paths and other’s feelings. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you so much. Just seeing your blog name pop up made me smile. Love thinking about you and your squirmy little growing boy getting ready to meet you.
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stealingnectar said:
You are so sweet! I am lucky to be so close to meeting my miracle boy! π
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My Perfect Breakdown said:
Your insight is profound once again. “Not everyday will we fight valiantly and act honorably but if we can stay the course the best we can, we can love who we are on the other side” – this is one of the most accurate and ever so beautiful sentences.
I believe so many of us have suffered immeasurable grief and heartache and we all have our own “ending” and it may never look like we innocently envisioned. But that’s okay so long as we find a way to embrace what we have (or don’t have as the case could be) and make the most of it. Like you, I have my son in my arms so some might say I come from arms place of privilege with this perspective. But truthfully I think I just try to remain positive and hopeful whenever I can in life because life just feels that much more fulfilling and worthwhile when I can feel hopeful.
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mamajo23 said:
Yes! So perfectly said. And man do you do it so very well. So much love to you.
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myrainbowdream said:
It certainly sounds like an interesting read which created a lot of thought. I can not decide if I want to read it, I appreciate that donor eggs and adoption is not for everyone but would probably not appreciate her judgement. I totally get the anger towards fertiles but yes suppressing it in order not to direct it towards someone is the way I try to go. Infertility has made a lot of anger surface I did not know I was capable of, granted a lot towards myself. I agree with Nara, blogging is the perfect outlet for this. Thanks again for such an insightful post.
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mamajo23 said:
I would err on the side of not reading it mainly because I am looking at potential donor eggs or adoption as well and she really pissed me off :). And you are so right- blogging is such a great outlet. Thankful for this community!
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myrainbowdream said:
I will give it a miss then! We can do without any additional stress or anger can’t we. I agree, so thankful to have this community. π
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dubliner in deutschland said:
Sounds like an interesting read. I too struggle with feelings of anger or bitterness occasionally for instance at super fertile people who have it so easy while so many of us are struggling.. it just seems so unfair. I hate feeling like that though as that’s not the person I want to be. It’s also why it’s so great that there is this whole blogging community of people who get it.
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mamajo23 said:
Yes- totally agree. I think the anger is normal but also good to try to atleast rationalize away when possible- or just vent to this group π
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ourgreatestdesire said:
I love that although you don’t necessarily agree with everything the author said, you still have such grace in telling us about it. You are so good about keeping an open mind and recognizing that everyone feels different ways about different things. You inspire me to be more like that because I know that I can be a little judgey, judgey at times. Much love to you, my friend!
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you! I am hoping you are enjoying the chaos in your full house right now π
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