After reading the memoir I posted about a few days ago, I have been pondering the author’s anger at Fertiles. I finally reconciled in my head why I have such conflicted emotions about my fertile friends and fertiles in general. Let me caution that these are just my personal thoughts- not necessarily right. This is just one infertile gal’s opinion.
I have found that I can categorize these women in two main categories: one that find their pregnancy, babies and kids a gift and a blessing and one that consider them a personal accomplishment.
The ones that find gratitude and humble appreciation for pregnancy and kids are much easier to be around and celebrate. They don’t have to always feel happy and humble in their journey as a Mom but they do have perspective that they are fortunate and the universe/ God/ etc has given them this gift.
I find a hard time celebrating the second group. The ones that make it all about them not the gift of life. You know the ones. They act like they are the only person that matters when they are pregnant or just had a baby and glow with self accomplishment or vent about every small inconvenience with being pregnant or having a baby. Each small milestone is celebrated and publicized because THEY did it not because it is a miracle and joy and blessing. It is all about how amazing they are to create and endure a pregnancy. These are the type of people that advertise every ‘accomplishment’ ad nauseum on social media from an engagement to a good hair day via a mock humble selfie. Can you tell I feel an aversion to these types of people??
I think their reaction to the ability to procreate represents their overall character in general. It is indicative of someone who is egocentric versus altruistic. The world is what happens around them versus they are active participants making their way.
I am fortunate that almost all of my friends and family are in the ‘it is a gift given to me’ camp not the ‘look what I did’. It is really hard as someone whose body cannot do what it has been meant to do since the beginning of human life to feel like other women feel superior or more accomplished than me. By acting like procreation is something that makes them important or good or more womanly makes me feel lesser and insecure. It is most likely never their intent nor usually their fault but it is just the reality. Just my reality.
My very best friend who is pregnant with her second baby falls into this first camp even if she doesn’t love pregnancy. She is selfless and compassionate enough to recognize it as a gift. She even offered me her eggs ( which by the way could be sold on the black market because she is amazing in every way). I feel only joy for her fortune. My older sister who had three kids like it was nothing and is struggling as a single Mom still expresses gratitude everyday and offers up surrogacy often. My twin sister with her own toddler twins has embryos on ice but refuses to make any steps towards retrieving them in case I want to have them at any point. There are so many more lovely friends and family who are fertile and totally fabulous. Their joy and procreation is only celebrated by me.
Then we have the few Fertile ‘friends’ who know my struggles yet still talk about the importance of having siblings close in age, who tell me they are going to get pregnant in two months so they have a baby born near their birthday. Who act like they are the very first person to be pregnant and send me baby bump pictures weekly and complain about how hungry they are ALL the time. These are the Fertiles that rub our inability to get pregnant in our faces and make us feel bitter. Our bitterness makes us feel guilty and the cycle continues.
Having realized the difference between these two groups, I have surrounded myself with the former and distanced myself with the latter. The result is an amazing lack of bitterness and a pride in the fact that other pregnancy announcements are met with happiness. I cannot recommend highly enough this approach to all of you struggling with these complex emotions. The ‘friends’ you distance yourself from may just make room for more compassionate and empathetic friends. This battle is lonely and confusing and frustrating and agonizing. We owe it to ourselves to make our outside environment as supportive and protective as we can. Sending you all love.
xoxo
My Perfect Breakdown said:
My friend, you are brilliant. You categorized this perfectly and explained something I didn’t even realize I needed to read and understand. Thank you!
And I have to say your second last sentence – “we owe it to ourselves to make our outside environment as supportive and protective as we can” is spot on. I didn’t realize this for many years and multiple losses. But once I did, my entire existence was altered, for the better. Once we started sharing about our RPL experience there have been some people who are simply no longer part of my life, they were toxic and by a combination of events we parted ways. (I’m still sad about some, but others I am almost relived to have out of my life). Honestly, as weird as it may sound, I’m thankful to RPL for teaching me about removing toxic people from my life and instead surrounding myself with compassionate and empathetic friends. In so many ways today I am a much happier person because I have learned to value my needs and to value the friendships who shine brightest in my life. Thank you for always being a bright light in my life!
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mamajo23 said:
I so agree that this battle helps us learn how to let toxic out and the good in. While I am so sorry the pain led you here I am so lucky to have you. Glad you can find value from this.Xoxo
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Marixsa said:
Love this! “Egocentric versus altruistic” perfectly sums it up! I can think of so many examples of both, but mostly of the egocentric type since that’s the direction our society seems to be going in. I too have to remove myself from this type of person, over and over again… to the point where I deactivated my FB account last year. And you know what? Not having all that egocentric pregnancy crap in my face (well, my news feed) is WAY BETTER for my mental health, even if it means that I usually don’t know what’s going on with anyone. Small price to pay.
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mamajo23 said:
I did the same with my FB feed. Now I just see cute puppy’s, fun trips and random news stories or quizzes. Much better if you ask me 🙂
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andthewindscreamsmary said:
Beautifully written and so very true. I think all of the points you’ve made are valid and encapsulate the way many people who are struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss feel.
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you friend
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My Own Parade said:
I really enjoyed (as always) your thoughts on this. They are very fair and gently reasoned. I too reflect on this… daily. My reasoning looks like this:
Compassionate about infertility and loss of a baby vs. turns their back, offers zero support and possibly is even hurtful during times of struggle and loss.
Those are my two camps. I feel genuine happiness for friends’ pregnancies when they have been kind people. Just like in any friend relationship, fertility aside. When you see a beautiful and caring person achieve great things, it’s easy to be happy for them. When I think of “friends” and family members who have been given the gift of being trusted with my most private details and crises, and they never seem to remember this again, reach out, offer to talk or think of you at hard times (which again to me is what I aspire to do in my relationships for others) I find it very emotionally disturbing to celebrate alongside them. I almost feel violated – if that makes sense. For some, bringing it up just results in a disappearing act on the others part. It’s such a letdown in so many ways. And these are people that until infertility came along, were bees knees kinda people.
Right now my BIL and SIL are pregnant with #2. We are finding it so hard. They know our past decade has been dictated by infertility. They watched us lose our baby on our wedding anniversary last year after seeing us struggle for years. Neither ever did or said anything. When we tried to talk about it, they just brushed it off. Now they are in their third trimester and haven’t said a word to me. We are quietly watching the whole family celebrate the next grandchild around us and in front of us. We are happy for them, we smile and try not to cry. But inside we’re screaming in pain.
If these had been people who asked if we needed help while in hospital, or after, or even texted, or basically…. given legitimacy to our losses and shitty reality, I KNOW I would feel differently. But instead, I feel resentful. What might be awkward for them, is terrible for us.
And yet I work with a person still in her 20s who just had surprise baby #4. But she has been so kind and concerned for me, (what she knows of me based on absences and surgeries) that it never even crossed my mind to feel any way but happy for her and appreciative of the positive difference she’s made in my life.
Here I am hijacking your comments. I just meant to agree with you, as well as rationalize it for myself in a more personal way. I agree, once you’ve walked as an infertile person, things change. There is little patience for people who take things for granted or turn a blind eye to others truths.
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mamajo23 said:
Your BIL and SIL sound really selfish (at best) or cruel at worst. It must be so very hard to have someone in your inner circle be such a negative trigger for you. It is one thing if you can avoid or ignore those people but to have them front and center would be so so hard. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing. Sending you love and strength and hope that this hell is over for you soon.
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EmilyMaine said:
What a wonderful group of peeps you have surrounding you for the most part. The fact that people are willing to give you these gifts of help is a reflection of how beautiful you are X
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mamajo23 said:
Such a nice comment. Made me tear up. Thank you. Co
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Nara said:
That really makes sense! I like to think that the types of people I try and remain friends with are in the good group. I pretty much categorise people as Kind and Unkind (and maybe even not knowingly unkind, but some people are cruel without realising it). And you’re right, it’s not just Fertiles and Infertiles. It’s Fertiles-who-are-kind and Fertiles-who-are-unkind in my head… Which pretty much aligns to the groups you describe. It sounds like the ones you have surrounded yourself with are the best sorts of people, and as Emily says, that’s a testament to you! I hope I can one day have a tenth of the compassion and grace you have. (I try, but I am hotheaded!) x
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mamajo23 said:
Ha- I bet your hot headedness just comes off as charming and decisive :). Thank you. Hope you are feeling good!
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Nara said:
Haha, the only thing positive spin you can put on it is over-enthusiastic and passionate… I do get into trouble for speaking my mind and I try to temper it a bit! 😂
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valleyally said:
You hit the nail on the head. I have also divided my friends into 2 camps. The fertile soil who get it and the ones who don’t. I give my time freely to the first camp and I am guarded with the other. It is self preservation, pure and simple.
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mamajo23 said:
Amen. Good for you!
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RJ said:
You have articulated this point quite well and I wholeheartedly agree with you! I just never really thought much about why some fertile people bother me and I’m ok with others. I’ve also distanced myself from the type 2 “friend” without having a label. It’s been done to protect myself from hurt and sadness and it’s wonderful to be able to do that for ourselves. We (and everyone, really) deserve to be surrounded by loving and supportive people. This journey has taught me that.
Beautifully said, as always 🙂
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countyourselfunlucky said:
You are so thoughtful. I love reading your blogs and getting an insight to your perspective. The fact that it has taken me a few days to feel like I can write a (hopefully lucid) response shows how much food for thought you have given me!
I wonder if there is a third group somewhere…. you know for the people who are basically lovely and good parents (i.e. should be in the altruistic category) but somehow don’t quite realise how lucky they (almost as if they don’t realise that for some pregnancy is neither easy or inevitable) and yet aren’t so grossly ego centric that they would fall in the latter category…??? I don’t know maybe I’m over complicating what you said, it’s just that I’m convinced that the people I struggle with fall in this in between camp and as such are not so easily dismissed as simply not very nice people… I dunno. I hope that made sense! Anyway it is a thought provoking post, thank you xx
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mamajo23 said:
Very interesting and so true. I have found that those are some of the toughest to be around too. They are so lovely that you feel guilty for feeling bad or resentful. I so get it. I think at this point in my journey all my close friends and family know my struggles and most have put themselves in camp one and the few that landed in camp two I don’t hang out with. If I am truly honest here too- the fact that I have my son makes all this so much easier for me. Without him I am not sure I would be elevated or gracious enough for this perspective. I think seeing any parent with their kid would be hard. Thank you so much for commenting. Xo
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