Thank you all so much for your support. I feel your care and your love. Our miscarriage was confirmed this morning and I am sipping my first glass of wine in 90+ days. My husband and I are stronger through this and my heart is still hopeful and grateful. Life will go on and we will make it good.
But here we are left wondering our next steps and I would love all of you to give me your input. Just to recap– I am 8+ failed IVF cycles (with 3 of those chemical or earl miscarriage) into trying for a sibling for my miracle toddler ( after 3 cycles to have him). We have long since drained our saving and are digging deeper into debt. That all being said- we have two possible paths ahead of us.
1. Get endometriosis surgery then try IVF again with my own eggs.
2. Start the donor egg process and hopefully complete our family that way.
For me– I have zero emotion tied to my own genetics. I just wants sibling for my son and another baby to love. I would choose the donor egg path tomorrow. For my husband- he is still holding onto the desire for my eggs. I want to be supportive of his desires and I want to make sure he is comfortable with how we build our family but I am so ready to move onto a solution and move forward in life. I am sick of the debt accruing, the hormones fluctuating, the total hell and torture that is one failed IVF cycle after another.
So here we are. We will of course talk to our doctor and continue to talk to each other but I would truly love your thoughts and insight.
Lots of love. Grateful for this community.
Xoxo
Fighting Infertility 
Firat lwt me say my heart hurts for you right now. I am beyind devistated to hear you are going through yet another loss.
Second, i want to share that there was a time when Mr MPB and I prefered different routes forward. Our counselor at the time told us to save space for different emotions and to each be okay with a bit of difference as we worked through our individual emotions and she reminded us thay we didn’t have to agree. To this day, I know this was one of the best pieces of advice we were ever given, and so I want to share it with you. We made the decision that we had to both agree on whatever we were going to do, and eventually we ended up both determining the same path.
LikeLike
I am so sorry it didn’t work out. That really sucks. You have been through so much.
Tips: I’d have the endo surgery either way as if you have it it can stop you carrying/implanting etc so that wouldn’t be helpful for the donor eggs either. Get the surgery to investigate and then make your move from there would be my advice. Good luck 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great advice. Thank you so much.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve had endo surgery twice. I would have it. It’s not too bad and it should increase your chances either way. I was told each time the best time to conceive was directly after the surgery (6 months). Never worked for me but… I know it was the main factor for some people. We also did an immune protocol for this cycle, which may or may not have helped.
As for IVF, I can only imagine how tough it is. I’ve done two rounds and it’s been so hard. You have been through the wringer. There are so many options… One we were considering was mild/ natural IVF (without so many drugs). It might be easier on the body – for me all the drugs and how they made me feel was the hardest thing. Xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your comments and thoughts. So appreciate your insight. I think we will move forward with the surgery. Xo
LikeLike
Oh MamaJ, I’m so sorry. I wish more than anything the outcome were different. My gut says to get the endo surgery either way, for the same reason people are stating above that it might improve implantation etc. As far as donor eggs or your own eggs, it’s such a hard decision! I completely understand wanting your husband to feel comfortable with how to proceed because of course he should be. But also your body has been through SO MUCH, so if you are reaching the end of your rope with your own eggs that means you might no longer be comfortable with continuing as you have been. I know you guys will arrive at a decision that works for both of you. Thinking of you and sending love as you navigate through another loss and figure out next steps. Xo.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks love. I think we probably will get the surgery then do one cycle with OE and move to donor. Sending love to you and your precious girls. Xo
LikeLike
That sounds perfect to me! ❤️❤️❤️
LikeLike
So so sorry, this is all so unfair. You have a difficult decision to make, one I struggled with too. First of all I think you need to listen to the advice of the ladies who have had Endo surgery and if it could impact a pregnancy either way you conceive then I would say go for it. I made my decision to go with donor eggs after only one attempt with my own (plus to clomid challenges) and two miscarriages from natural pregnancy. Deciding to go with a donor followed a very straight talking consultant telling me this was my best way forward and I can honestly say I grieved for what I was letting go but I am not sure how much my sanity or our finances could of lasted desperate attempts with my own eggs. I think you have got to look at what you have tried so far and you have really done so much to try and achieve a healthy pregnancy with your own eggs, asking yourself what more can we do? Are the chances high of a loss again and can you mentally face it. Then financially can you go through further attempts and then go on to ED if you need to. Most of the time when I read people who have gone on to ED they say they have no regrets only that they wish they had started sooner. I do not regret trying with my own eggs or even that we had to go through the losses (despite the agony), but I do think we wasted some time when we could of started DE. I struggled more than my DH, he sees a baby I carry as mine/ours and well I do too now. I know even if we were to adopt I would love that baby no less. My consultant said to me ‘you will be the giver of life’ and those words have stuck with me. Good luck. xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is great perspective. I am so happy for you and your latest news. Xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you and if there is anything at all you want to ask about DE whilst you are trying to make your decision leave a comment on my blog and you can have my email – and I mean anything. xo
LikeLike
That is so great. Thank you!
LikeLike
I’m so sorry that you’re going through another loss. My heart goes out to you.
As with the others, I’d definitely go for the surgery. That will help whatever you decide with regards to donor eggs or your own.
The question about donor eggs is so personal and is something I have no experience of, all I suggest is that you sit down with your husband and discuss / agree a plan you are both happy with. If he would like to try some more cycles with your own eggs then maybe you can agree a number of cycles that you would be comfortable doing before you move on to donor eggs.
I’m so sorry you are having such a long and drawn out journey. Thinking of you and sending love xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great advice. I think this is exactly what we will do. Xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
I had two failed cycles because of endo. My doc said for my case, surgery was an option but not the best. I had to have tubal litigation, it was supposed to be removal but there was too much endo to even consider that. It would have been a major surgery with the possibility of losing an ovary and I could have still ended up with low quality eggs. Also my doc said that as it grows back, because it will, it can grow back in ways that cause painful periods. Right now, my endo is completely symptomless. We moved on to DE without trying the surgery. For us, it was too risky. We didn’t want to go through the surgery and end up right where we already were or worse off. That being said, DE is not a silver bullet. With either option, there is the risk of it not working. Someone else mentioned the emotional toll of a loss or a failed cycle. These weighed heavy on our decision as well as the financial aspect. Donor eggs worked for us. I have no regrets. But I’m am sure, from time to time, it will make me a little sad to know my son doesn’t have my eyes or my nose. My son has been here almost a year now and mostly I am just filled with love and gratitude. Please feel free to ask any questions about DE IVF. I would be happy to talk about my experience.
LikeLike
This is really helpful insight. I am also symptomless. I am trying to get into the top surgical option but really need to keep this in mind when I discuss with my husband. Thanks again for commenting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have stage IV Endo, which means it is in my ovaries, and NO symptoms. My doc was shocked by the extent of the damage and no symptoms.
LikeLike
This is a difficult decision and it’s hard that you and your husband have different ideas to get to your end goal. I wish I had some sound advice but I cannot offer anything that wasn’t already said above. You’ve gotten great advice from this wonderful community and I true my wish you the best in whichever route you pursue.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for your support. Xo
LikeLike
I’m so sorry for your loss. How incredibly unfair you’re journey has been. You still sound so strong despite what you’ve gone through. I agree with what others have said endo surgery. I had it and found the recovery not too bad. Thinking of you xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Appreciate the kind words and I think surgery is where I am headed!
LikeLike
That glass of wine is so well deserved. You are such a sweet soul, full of life, love, optimism, and intelligent thinking. Wow, this is a hard one. You’ve been through so much. Your recap of your path leaves me breathless. So much effort and heartache, and yet…you continue to glow through your words with your spirit. I really don’t know how to advise you…both are good options, but a decision still is there to make. It sounds like you and your husband will have several more conversations about this before coming to a decision together which will be wonderful because you both will have done a lot of critical thinking and, I think, be satisfied in the end. I can see both points of view. Part of me feels like you’ve been through enough and a donor egg sounds like a nice path for moving forward. Maybe explore if your husband can live with that decision? If he just really can’t, at least at this juncture, than maybe you try the surgery and another round. I know this isn’t any kind of great advice – it is just complicated and you’ll both have to inch forward to get to the decision. I am so sorry you had another loss. You know I get it and feel for you. I have said so many times, but the IVF journey seems incredibly cruel and heartwrenching…until it works and it’s all worth it. Anyway, my props to you for your stamina and love for this next child, however and whenever he or she comes to you.
LikeLike
I always smile and feel full of warmth when I read your comments. I also feel full of hope and love knowing how your beautiful boy finally came to you. Thank you for the comments and thoughts. I think we are in the same mindset and I will just have to end up meeting my husband somewhere in the middle. The one thing I won’t do throughout this process is lose sight of us battling this together. Thanks again love.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Somehow I am just seeing some of my comments (like this one) now! I always feel such warmth and love from you too! Can’t wait to read more on your progress and one day soon learn about a successful pregnancy! Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Gah, I’m sorry. I don’t have any personal experience with endo, so I will defer offering any advice. Just wanted to say you are in my thoughts and I am sure that you will make the best decision for you and your family, whatever that may be – and it may be different for all of us.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your vote of confidence. And of course your support. Xoxox
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t have any advice but I’m keeping you in my thoughts and I’m so sorry that you’re faced with these choices. xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you
LikeLike
I’m so sorry 😪 I hate that this is even something you have to make decisions about. It’s all so unfair.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks friend
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve been doing a little bit of catch-up… have taken a hiatus for a bit in dark times. Reading back through your recent posts, it made me wish more than ever that I could meet up with you for a glass of wine, ask if you need someone to watch your little one while you make these appointments and surgeries work, and connect over being in the exact.same.situation.
I’m sorry for your heartbreak, the exhaustion you must feel in perservering and this physically, emotionally, financially, everything-taxing road that is yours, the struggle of feeling guilt to mourn this path and your losses while your hard-earned miracle runs about nearby. I understand it all.
You are brave, you are positive, you are strong, you are resilient, you are hard-working and always considerate of others.
The only two pieces of advice I can offer…
1) take the path of least regret. This is where I find myself, in IVF cycle #5 trying for a sibling for ours. With miscarriages mixed in with BFNs and feeling lucky to have our son despite the difficulty in having him too, we don’t expect things to be easy. Infertile people don’t know what easy is. We expect years of BFNs, loss, heartbreak and I find myself hanging on by saying, “It took this to achieve our son. Why would I think it would be any easier a second time… in fact, likely much worse since I am ___ years older now.” And yet, I find myself trying “one last time” because I haven’t been on DHEA before and maybe, just maybe, that could be the trick, and I wouldn’t “retire” from this trying-to-have-a-family business knowing there were things I didn’t try. So, if that means surgery (something I haven’t done, but seeing the white flag in my future) and trying again with your own eggs, if this means your heart can flutter a little less and you can sleep at night feeling content with what you were comfortable in doing or not doing, that will help and heal. And how knows, it could also be exactly what you needed. 🙂
2) I have been seeing a fertility counsellor. She said something that I have been processing over time. The fact that we jump in the midst of a medical emergency, loss or failed cycle to say, “But I know I’m so lucky! I have a child for whom I am forever grateful” and not take the time to/feel guilty about grieving and handling subsequent tragedies in a way that would be so atypical of a fertile person. You always consider your audience and are such a sensitive person, I just want to point out that it is also okay to communicate grief, let-down, pain and so on on your battle. You’re right that we are in a different place after becoming a parent – it’s not the same as not knowing if you’ll be a parent or having a child to love. We are SO blessed for this, as we always point out. We know our great fortune and always give thanks for this, while lending our compassion and support to those who are where we were.
But you are also deserving of grace, kindness and empathy for what you continue to walk through. And the beautiful comments above wrap you in that understanding and comfort. I just hope that YOU are recognizing what you have endured and are enduring as still a significant trial, and taking the time to care for you and replenish yourself in mind, body and soul along the way without feeling the need to clip your wings.
Our counsellor also said that the typical person who has a child after enduring IF, goes on to try for a second child and sibling. This is normal – in both the IF and fertile-as-anything worlds. And while it feels different after having a child, and the panic does not compare, the continued battle, especially with loss and BFNs, is one that tests mental, emotional, and physical health. I just want to be sure that you aren’t giving yourself less permission to feel and grieve and process than you deserve.
I hope this all makes sense. Written with love. xoxo
I’m so sorry for your loss.
LikeLike
This helped so much. All of it. You are right about needing to grieve too. Oddly I find that in my dreams and in my restless sleep I grieve and toss and turn with nightmares that are really just replays of the hardest emotions in my reality. Then I awake feeling like I need to and want to leave those emotions behind. I am not sure how healthy that is but it allows me joy and mindfulness during the day. I am so sorry you know exactly how this feels. My heart aches for you too. I hope this dark period passes for you and I know that taking the path that leads to the least regret is the right one. Thank you so much for this thoughtful and helpful comment. Xo
LikeLike
I am so sorry you are going through this. Maybe like Nara suggested mini or natural IVF might be a less expensive alternative and not so hard on your body. Not every clinic offers it though. I hope you and your husband will be able to decide together what way to move forward. hugs
LikeLike
Definitely great thoughts. A few of my cycles have been mini IVF and I seem to react about the same to both options so maybe I will do that these next times. Thank you for your comments.
LikeLike
Aww, MamaJo, my heart goes out to you so much right now. As someone who’s had several endo surgeries and never even entertain my RE’s suggestions for donor eggs, I say go with surgery first. Do you have insurance coverage for your IVFs? If not, your insurance should at least cover the bulk of a surgery, thus saving you some serious dineros. And although they do say the first 6 months after surgery are the most likely to get pregnant (and that’s probably true), just keep in mind that you’ll be healing for quite awhile after surgery and that 6-month window might realistically be chopped by 2 or 3 months while you heal… recovery’s not very sexy.
I understand that IVF using donor eggs is much more expensive, so going the more affordable route seems sensible with your drained savings. Plus, if you skip the surgery and go straight to donor eggs you may always wonder “what-if” you hadn’t tried it.
All the best to you and many hugs. xx
LikeLike
Oh Hon, I’m sorry! Life just is not fair. I’m not sure that I really have any advice for you going forward since we’ve never even done IVF. I have had to laparoscopies though and they really weren’t that big of a deal. The first one hurt the worst because it was stage IV and I was under quite awhile with lots of gas used so that’s what made that recovery so painful. Whichever way you choose, I hope you and hubby both feel at peace with it! Sending you lots of love and huge hugs!!!
LikeLike
Whatever you decide…just know I am here for you. Nothing is easy with infertility…it’s not fair and sometimes you have to do things you never thought you would. Hang in there and I will be cheering you on from afar…xoxo
LikeLiked by 1 person