Thank you all so much for your insights and comments and endless support. I feel lifted up. The plan now is to get surgery in the next month then try one or two more cycles tops with my own eggs then move to donor. I think this is a great compromise because my husband can feel like we have done everything in our power but I can feel like there is an end to my endless IVF purgatory.
So for now I am drinking some caffeine (amazing how bright the world looks through a chai latte) and having a little wine (amazing how doable the next six plus months look through a little wine buzz lens :).
While I was miscarrying I grieved hard and often. Fitful sobs a few times a day when you can literally feel the hope of life leaving you. It is painful and raw and really really hard and exhausting. Unfortunately so many of you know this far worse than I. Through this grieving I also felt a deep appreciation for what is good and right in my life. I held my husband tighter. I kissed my miracle toddler nonstop and I feel bursts of immense gratitude and raw and deep love.
I am not sure I can articulate this well but after this period of grief, the world feels brighter and almost more precious. Almost like a huge rainstorm came passing through and you can now feel every warm ray from the emerging sun and smell the freshness of the ground cleansed by rain. I walk around feeling and noticing beauty around me a bit more. I appreciate the moment in the grass with my son as the warm sun hits our backs and he babbles about the puppies coming down the path. I notice the strong and comforting smell of my husband’s aftershave when we kiss good by in the morning. I am grateful for this reaction I have once the crippling grief passes. I like to think it speaks of our relentless strength and optimism and hope we all must carry to keep fighting this battle. I hold fierce to my pledge not to let IF/RPL steal my joy for life.
I have trained my brain to stop saying ‘you are no longer pregnant’ and instead say ‘you are not yet pregnant’. It helps me pass others with a growing belly and feel love instead of pain. It helps me not panic thinking of another wave of pregnancy announcements that I ‘could’ have been a part of. So for now– I am not yet pregnant but celebrating all of you that are and many of you that will be soon. And as always- I hold all of you struggling deep in my thoughts and heart.