Definitely an unexpected outcome from my surgery today. What else is new on this crazy IF journey though-am I right?
I have been crazy anxious for this surgery all week. I have tried to calm myself down when I can but my nerves have been super frayed. So when I showed up and was checked in then pretty much ignored for an hour and a half the nerves really rose. For some reason I had convinced myself it was going to be so bad they would have to take out part of my intestines or ovaries or even uterus. The I went on this spiral of fear that she was going to find cancer.
Then my amazing surgeon came to see me before surgery and eased my fears. She said my ultrasound looked gorgeous and she is not concerned this will be a major surgery and that she thinks I might even go same day.
A long while later (surgery delayed almost 2 hours but I know the industry and when that happens it means that someone else needs care more than I do so I felt patient and ok about it). They rolled me in, gave me a cocktail of drugs and I was out.
The next thing I remember is waking up to words from my doctor like ‘pristine’ ‘no endometriosis’ and that my anatomy ‘looks like a textbook image’. It is the most normal and clear she has ever operated on.
WTF. Braverman told me with over 90 percent certainty I had major endo and removing it was my ticket to fixing my problem. I spent over 5 thousand dollars to get this advice that ended up being off the mark. That’s frustrating.
My emotions swirling around are all over the place and muted by lingering anesthetic. I am sad this is not our silver bullet. I am frustrated this is not our answer. Yet I am grateful for my healthy and ‘pristine’ anatomy. After feeling broken for so long battling this infertility I feel relief and if I am honest, even a little bit of pride, that something in my body is exactly as it should be.
The physical recovery has been so easy. I am only a few hours out of surgery and I am already home, ate a meal, walking around and just taking ibroprofen for pain in my shoulders from the gas.
I am aware that post surgery is often an emotional time and that these swirling emotions will ebb and flow. I will tell you this though. After being in a hospital surrounded by those suffering actual grave health risks my overwhelming emotion that dulls and diminishes the other’s is gratitude. I am truly fortunate to be healthy and home with my family. I am so lucky to have my loving and supportive and kind husband, Mom and sisters. While this wasn’t my ticket to fertility, it most certainly highlighted all I am grateful for.
So I guess the plan is to recover, do one last cycle with my own eggs then move on to donor eggs. I think the road is going to get a bit harder but hopefully it will finally lead me to my destination. I still feel hopeful. It is a bit dulled by an anesthesia hangover and disappointment that we didn’t find an answer but hope is there. Still ready to emerge when I need it for the fight.
Sending love to all of you.