Definitely an unexpected outcome from my surgery today. What else is new on this crazy IF journey though-am I right?
I have been crazy anxious for this surgery all week. I have tried to calm myself down when I can but my nerves have been super frayed. So when I showed up and was checked in then pretty much ignored for an hour and a half the nerves really rose. For some reason I had convinced myself it was going to be so bad they would have to take out part of my intestines or ovaries or even uterus. The I went on this spiral of fear that she was going to find cancer.
Then my amazing surgeon came to see me before surgery and eased my fears. She said my ultrasound looked gorgeous and she is not concerned this will be a major surgery and that she thinks I might even go same day.
A long while later (surgery delayed almost 2 hours but I know the industry and when that happens it means that someone else needs care more than I do so I felt patient and ok about it). They rolled me in, gave me a cocktail of drugs and I was out.
The next thing I remember is waking up to words from my doctor like ‘pristine’ ‘no endometriosis’ and that my anatomy ‘looks like a textbook image’. It is the most normal and clear she has ever operated on.
WTF. Braverman told me with over 90 percent certainty I had major endo and removing it was my ticket to fixing my problem. I spent over 5 thousand dollars to get this advice that ended up being off the mark. That’s frustrating.
My emotions swirling around are all over the place and muted by lingering anesthetic. I am sad this is not our silver bullet. I am frustrated this is not our answer. Yet I am grateful for my healthy and ‘pristine’ anatomy. After feeling broken for so long battling this infertility I feel relief and if I am honest, even a little bit of pride, that something in my body is exactly as it should be.
The physical recovery has been so easy. I am only a few hours out of surgery and I am already home, ate a meal, walking around and just taking ibroprofen for pain in my shoulders from the gas.
I am aware that post surgery is often an emotional time and that these swirling emotions will ebb and flow. I will tell you this though. After being in a hospital surrounded by those suffering actual grave health risks my overwhelming emotion that dulls and diminishes the other’s is gratitude. I am truly fortunate to be healthy and home with my family. I am so lucky to have my loving and supportive and kind husband, Mom and sisters. While this wasn’t my ticket to fertility, it most certainly highlighted all I am grateful for.
So I guess the plan is to recover, do one last cycle with my own eggs then move on to donor eggs. I think the road is going to get a bit harder but hopefully it will finally lead me to my destination. I still feel hopeful. It is a bit dulled by an anesthesia hangover and disappointment that we didn’t find an answer but hope is there. Still ready to emerge when I need it for the fight.
Sending love to all of you.
My Perfect Breakdown said:
I have been thinking about you ALL day and so I am very relieved to hear that the surgery went well and you are on your way to recovery already!
I will admit I’m not shocled that Dr. Braverman was so off. When he told me I probably had endo but I have absolutly no symptoms I never really believed it. (We chose not the have the surgery as it would have been out of country and unbelievably expensive so I cannot confirm if I do or do not have it). So I guess, maybe I’m not terribly surprised that you don’t have it. But I glad you know you don’t have it and you can move on to your next cycle with your normal optimistic spirit!
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you. Perhaps that is his go-to diagnosis. I will definitely be back for a fight. Especially with you in my corner. Xo
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My Perfect Breakdown said:
That’s kind of how we felt about the diagnosis. That said, when he’s right he seems to basically be a miracle worker.
And I’m always in your corner cheering you on every step of the way! 😊
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EmilyMaine said:
My specialist here is very big in the silent endo (silent meaning no symptoms) diagnosis too and that was me as you know. I think it is very common for unexplained infertility hence him quoting high odds. I am sorry it cost so much and didn’t provide a definitive answer but also pleased that everything looks great in there. That IS good news.
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you! I don’t fault Braverman and think he has helped so many people. I am glad to check this box and now have some more information. I am glad it was the difference maker for you!
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Marixsa said:
Whaaaa?! That’s insane! It’s no wonder you’re a dichotomy of emotions: grateful, frustrated, etc. after a day like today. I’m relieved for you that it wasn’t endometriosis after all, and it’s wonderful that your perspective is so optimistic. xx
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you so much. I am going to try to hang onto the relief. Xo
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theskyandback said:
Wow! Yeah, I definitely wasn’t expecting that. I’m sorry Braverman was wrong and you had to go through surgery for nothing. But I am glad in the end that you got it so you don’t have to always wonder “what if.” Now you know that you’ve literally done everything you could to make this work with your own eggs. And you also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when that right embryo comes along, you’ll will be able to carry it with no problems (no immune issues, endo, etc. interfering with implantation or carrying). I’m really sorry that this knowledge came at such high of a cost, but I hope in the end the knowing does give you peace. And like others have said, I am relieved you don’t have endo for the simple reason that I don’t want you to have a lifelong disease to deal with! That’s great that your recovery is totally mild. Yay to that! Xoxo.
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mamajo23 said:
Thanks love. I was kind of hoping to follow in your footsteps and have this be my solution. That being said- plenty to be grateful for and I have total hope and faith in the perfect little soul finding our family. Xo
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theskyandback said:
I know, I was too! I was certain this was the solution for you! But your spirit baby soul is a fighter just like you, and he or she has its own solution. That soul’s coming, no matter what!
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My Own Parade said:
Congrats on having this behind you! I’m glad you are recovering well, and that your body is “pristine”…. but at the same time, I know that hearing the opposite was something you were prepared for and that could have fixed a potential, known issue. What a catch 22 – so emotional both ways. Sounds like you are doing great, though… and I hope will still take it easy although you are feeling better than expected 😉
In terms of the egg issue… on the very same day, but via a different way, I’m now exactly where you are mentally and what you’re considering for the future. Wow. Wish we could chat in person over that wine together, and figure out these next steps after so many cycles. It’s big, but there are options, and we are blessed. But it’s not easy or clear, is it?
Don’t forget to take care of yourself! Sleep well. xo
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mamajo23 said:
How interesting our world are connected. Want to maybe chat by phone? Would love to hear your thoughts.
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My Own Parade said:
I would love that. I feel our scenarios are one and the same. We’re cottaging for a few more days and you’re recovering, then let’s connect ❤️ Is there a DM feature?
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mamajo23 said:
How about email me at joahn23@gmail.com. We can pick a time etc.
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stealingnectar said:
Wow, so crazy! How frustrating! But, of course, you are already finding your usual optimism and grace. I am glad you have that behind you and now can move forward. Thinking of you as you recover. Praying for miracles!
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you. Just imagining you holding your miracle son and breathing in his sweetness and beauty makes me feel lighter. Xo
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stealingnectar said:
Aww, that is so sweet! Yes, he is such a miracle and so thoroughly loved. My husband took him while I fell asleep in the other room tonight and before I turned off the light I just looked at a few pictures of him on my phone – I am obsessed! Crazy how complete these babies make us feel. I can’t wait for your miracle #2. You know how wonderful it will be!!!
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notpregnantinrezza said:
Very sorry to hear that the surgery didn’t offer solutions. I had the same experience when I did it. Hoping you continue to have a relatively easy recovery xo
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you love. Sorry you share this boat.
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Amy M. said:
My OB initially thought I had endo as well, but turned out to be PCOS. Now he’s not the huge expert that braverman is, but I guess I’m just saying that they can always be wrong. I’m happy for you that things looked good in there. Good luck with your next cycle, and whatever lies beyond.
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you so much.
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Surviving Infertility said:
Im so glad your recovery has been easy so far. I am sorry you did not get the answers u have been waiting for. I know that is so frustrating. Thinking of you!
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you! Hope you are feeling good- look forward to what is ahead for you!
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Surviving Infertility said:
Thank u!
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Nara said:
Wtf?! That must be so upsetting. A relief of course that everything is pristine but so frustrating to feel like you’ve gone through surgery for nothing. I guess at least you know you have eliminated a common cause. Although I’m sure you don’t feel great about that now. I’m really sorry you are having to recover from this surgery and I hope that recovery is super quick. Xx
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you! I have moved past frustration thankfully and onto gratitude. Hope you and baby are doing great!
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myrainbowdream said:
I am thinking if you had not of gone through this you would not have known and it would have therefor been a possible issue with either your eggs or donor eggs. So it is another tick off the list so to speak and I am glad that everything is looking so good, a real positive from a expensive experience. I have to admit I always wanted something to show in my tests as it would normally mean an answer and possible solution but really finding nothing is the positive we should wish for. You are one step closer! Hope you recovery has continued smoothly. Sending hugs. xx
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you. Thinking of you this weekend and glad you are already getting ready to keep fighting. Your time is coming. Xoxo
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myrainbowdream said:
Thank you. xx
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LG&LG said:
Wow, so even though Braverman wasn’t right on this I think it’s a good thing because, hey, no endo! Honestly, maybe just the threat of endo and other issues being out of the way now will help change your mindset. Mind over matter! Hoping that the freedom and clean bill of health from a potential health issue is what you need for success!
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countyourselfunlucky said:
You know I have had a similar experience. I had surgery to remove endo right at the start of my journey 9 years ago. The gynae I was seeing at the time (who was wonderful) removed it and said I was good to go with fert treatments. After a few years of fertility treatment (three IUIs & one IVF) I had to go back for another laparoscopy / hysteroscopy because the dr doing my IVF was 100% convinced the endo had returned (from my symptoms & ultrasound). The gynae who did the surgery couldn’t find anything. So weird. Sorry you had this experience but I’m glad that you organs are in good condition! Wishing you a good recovery xxx
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mamajo23 said:
Wow- I didn’t realize that happened to you too. And yes– holding onto the health of my organs and body and to the fact that we will get there somehow someway. Xo
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RJ said:
Wow that’s great news that you don’t have any endo and everything looks beautiful! I wish you the best of luck with your last IVF cycle. You’re in my thoughts!!
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you!!
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30yr old nothing said:
Wth? I’m glad the surgery went well and everything but I was hoping that Dr. B was right. But still glad that you don’t have endo and that the physical recovery has been easy. On to the next step then! The road may get harder but our love and support will get stronger. xx
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Awaiting Autumn said:
Being unexplained, when we had the ectopic I demanded they check for endo when they removed my tube. No endo found either. I was super shocked but grateful. It’s hard though when you are still searching for answers. Hope you have a speedy recovery.
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you. So great to hear from you. Xo
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ourgreatestdesire said:
Although it wasn’t what you were expecting to hear, I’m happy you don’t have to deal with endo and that you can know that for sure now and don’t have to wonder anymore. I am so sorry it cost so much to get a possible diagnosis that didn’t pan out though. That is frustrating!
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you! Luckily I am past frustration and onto gratitude for my health and a new plan. How are you? All recovered? Xo
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ourgreatestdesire said:
Yes…back to sleeping on my stomach and everything, lol. 🙂
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