So here I am with my one miracle IVF own egg son and now pursuing donor eggs to have another child. I think I am in a unique position to reflect on how I feel emotionally about both.
Let me start with my miracle son ( who by the way was a day three low grade ’15 percent chance’ highly fragmented embryo- thank you universe). I can honestly say that since the day he was born I have rarely, if ever, marveled at how I see myself in him. I just see him as his own little person. I don’t stare at his face wondering if he looks like me, I don’t watch his mannerisms looking for a mirror. I just watch him in awe of the human he is. When people say ‘oh he looks like you’ or ‘he has your eyes’ I feel amusement not pride. Because to me he looks just like himself, not me.
I think my lack of needing or wanting to see myself mirrored in my child helps me move on so easily to donor eggs. I don’t need to see my nose or my ability to drain three pointers (humble brag ☺️) in him. I just want to see him smile and laugh and be kind and work hard and love those around him. Those are the things we can influence and nurture.
So as I wrap my arms (hopefully literally in the near future) around bringing a baby made from another woman’s eggs into our family I feel so strongly that I won’t mourn what some might. I won’t mourn the need to hear ‘oh she has your eyes’ or ‘he laughs just like you’. I won’t mourn watching the baby grow and seeing your own traits mirrored in them.
Sometimes I wonder if my ability to easily accept this path means major issues down the road. I mean- I feel so accepting and embracing of this path I wonder if I am naive to what the future holds. I imagine worst case scenario- my child for some reason feels the donor egg lady is someone that they need to be tied to and seeks a relationship but even that I think I would be ok with. After all- this is someone who will be treasured in my own heart as well. I feel confident that our bond will be so tight that any additional bonds will just be a bonus.
So for those of you who are pursuing or have pursued donor eggs, is there something I am missing? As always- thinking about those of you just waiting to be called Mom and fervently and tirelessly fighting for it.
Ps- as I was writing this I was sitting in the waiting room waiting to get a final monitor before this last Ivf cycle concludes and started talking with a donor who was also waiting. I told her my brief story and thanked her for helping women like me. She was absolutely lovely and said that it helped a lot to hear since she is currently super uncomfortable and hormonal and it reminded her why she is doing this. Yay!