While I am in a happy and peaceful place for the most part, I still have moments of grief and sadness that hit me out of nowhere. I wonder if this will always be the case or if having another child will finally end these. They are few and far between but powerful.
For example- my husband and son and I met our best friend’s son and his father for a gorgeous stroll in Muir Woods. It is incredibly beautiful and cozy and the walk with my little family and our friends was everything I pictured it would be when I pined for a child. Then towards the end, our friend casually started talking about putting together nursery furniture for their second baby due in a few weeks. It hit me so sudden and hard. I want to be doing that. I want another baby growing safely in my belly while my little son runs around. Why can’t we have something so easy for others? As I chased after both little boys and made them giggle and squeal it all seemed so unfair.
I quickly recognized my victim like thinking and sent it off where all my bad thoughts go- into oblivion. But the pain lingered on. I thought I would have the chaos of two children by now. I didn’t think I would continually be lapped by friends innocently and easily growing their family. It helps to have hope ahead. But it is just that. Hope. No guarantees.
But guess what? That is life. Even having everything you want is no guarantee. It can all be gone in an instant. Children get sick, accidents happen and hardship hits. We don’t know what tomorrow brings. So this morning I woke up with gratitude in my heart for my healthy son, my happy family and hope that lies ahead. I am truly one of the lucky ones. I hold on tight to that knowledge when these thoughts and feelings creep in.
Hope you all have a good start to the week and hope for the future. Xo