In our kind of Jewish household we sorta celebrate Hanukkah and majorly celebrate Christmas. It is a festive and cozy and all- inclusive Holiday season. This year is and feels so different. For starters we are home (just the three of us) for the first time ever. We have always alternated with my family and my husband’s family and this year it is just the three of us. Super cozy in our Christmas pajamas, cookies baking and all my decorations all over the house.

This year is also different than many many years past because I have the hope of being newly ‘p’ filling my heart with gratitude. I can’t quite ‘announce’ it or even write it or really even think it for fear of jinxing it all away but it feels like a Christmas miracle. So many times I dreamt of this kind of Christmas and so many times I downed wine trying to wish the season to pass quickly and convince myself next year will be different. I am far enough along to feel very nauseous and to have those reassuring scans but still early enough to feel fragile and occasionally scared. It is a beautiful and terrifying time.

I don’t plan on blogging about my ongoing ‘p’ or bumpdate or anything like that. This is an IF/RPL space and I intend to honor that. Those type of posts can be triggers for many. I do know that good news from other bloggers can motivate some so I wanted to share our progress.

The decision to pursue donor eggs has been the greatest pivot of this whole terrible ride. I was just ready to finally get off the horrific ride, to live, to be normal and donor eggs have given me hope that I can finally end this hell with a beautiful baby.

I hope that wherever you may be in your journey, you always have hope for the future. Hope for a new cycle, a new plan, even acceptance of a new reality. You each are warrior women for putting one foot in front of the other, living your lives and supporting one another. You are all my heros. I also hope that if Christmas was tough, you now realize it is almost over and a new year is right around the corner. 2017 will be different for all of us. Hugs.

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