An often forgotten casualty of IF/RPL is the fear of succumbing or falling into happiness. We guard our hearts and emotions every cycle, every blood draw, every ultrasound, every new felt ‘symptom’ that we are sometimes fearful of letting go of that guard or removing that emotional buffer. At least I am. To cope and survive and keep fighting, I had to not put my emotions on the line during each 10+ failed IVF cycles and each 3 failed pregnancies and all the appointments and milestones in between. I had to prepare for the bad and take the good in stride lest it get quickly ripped away as it seemed to do time and time again.
So sitting here, just now in trimester two of a long fought for, pleaded for, clawed for and yes (even paid for in blood, tears and money) miracle baby, I realize I often guard myself when I fall into feelings of happiness. Then I wonder how long will I do this? Will I do this now when anything good happens? Do I have an ‘end goal’ in sight where I will allow the happiness to seep in and blanket me in joy? I don’t want to wait for a ‘safe’ time. I want to enjoy and appreciate the now.
But if I am honest that is easier said than done. Don’t get me wrong, I have cried tears of gratitude three times this week and it is only Wednesday. I allow that warm feeling of hope and joy to come in. But I also still feel guarded. I still feel quiet and most definitely humble about this ‘p’. I think part of that is ok. I know enough to just take each moment as it comes. But another part of me wants to stop waiting for the time where I am allowed to feel happy. I am content with trying to find the right middle ground.
Anyone have thoughts or advice? If you are reading this and knee deep in just praying for the miracle of my current ‘struggle’ please know I am truly truly grateful and know I am beyond lucky. Not sure why me but I appreciate it every second. Xo