Everything along this donor cycle has felt like a dream. Finding our donor was so easy and she felt so perfect. Her cycle lined up beautifully, we retrieved so many eggs, they fertilized well, the transfer went great betas were solid and now here I am looking at real picture evidence at an actual OB office of my little miracle. It still feels like a dream.

Almost 3 years (6 of you include my first battle with Infertility for my miracle toddler), 10 IVF cycles, three losses, 100k plus spent or in debt and a surgery later and here we are. I am overcome with a feeling of why me? Why am I fortunate to have this? Some might think I feel like it is owed to me after the pain and hardship or that I feel like ‘finally it is my turn’ but I don’t.  I know so many struggle and I have such humility that I have been the one to be given this gift right now. The dream like state is mostly a cloud and sometimes a hole. I am still riddled with fear on occasion. I had a scary bleeding episode that made me almost catatonic for days, for a week I thought I was miscarrying, I am crazy nauseous but all that fills my heart at this moment is gratitude.

I walked into this OB office in my current fortunate situation, not facing a loss. I was able to pursue donor eggs. I have a little nugget growing safely inside me right now. It could all be so different. I could still be priming for a transfer, looking at a failed beta, anything. Instead I am here. In a place of hope.  All the disappointment and loss has made every moment full of emotion and so rich.

I sat in the waiting room next to a super smug fertile couple. They talked loudly as if on a stage. They wanted to share how busy their important jobs were (the husband loudly said to his wife– honey when you go to NY stay at the Four Seasons it is far better on business) they made sure we all knew she was six weeks pregnant and they already had a personal designer designing a nursery room. I could go on but I don’t want to relive the obnoxious smugness. But you know what it made me feel? Grateful for my struggle. I know not to take this precious life for granted, I know to be sensitive to those who may be in the waiting room for tough reasons. My husband and I have humility from this battle and we also have strength and unbridled joy for the good. I was happy not to be walking in their smug and innocent and boisterous path. My lane brought me here today and it may have taken some terrible turns but here I am. Filled with hope and humility and a grateful heart.

As I said before, I won’t blog about being ‘p’. I won’t keep a weekly counter (for those curious I am in the double digits) Just about how it has been to pursue donor eggs and my current experience and reflection as an infertile. I hope that wherever you are on this path right now, the hope that the future will hold moments that make this crap all worth it keeps you going.