I feel like I am in a somewhat unique situation with my miracle own egg IVF toddler and currently ‘P’ with another little miracle DE IVF baby. Let me say first that my gratitude for the miracle of science and technology is overwhelming. I have always dreamt and imagined and desired a family and can only have one because of the advances in medicine, technology and third party reproduction. I don’t feel angry about how unfair it is that I had to go this route, rather happy it is an option.
Now that I am hopeful for another child to join our family thanks to Donor Eggs, I have been thinking about having one child with OE and one with DE and wanted to share some thoughts.
Since I was little I always imagined I would adopt. I know this isn’t adoption per say but adding parties to the creation of my children feels totally normal and easily accepted. If adopting wasn’t so hard and expensive we could have gone that route. (Side note for an eye roll for those people that say ‘just adopt’. Also- pretty messed up system that it is easier and less costly to purchase eggs than a child already created and in need of a home). I don’t have any emotional issues or concerns with a lack of genetic link and hope to create a home environment where my children have none as well. But if they do- I will be open and willing to navigate that.
There is something about losing a bio connection to your child that really forces your ego out of who they are. I have a number of friends who have their ego so tied up in who and what their children become. They envision them as ‘mini them’ that puts pressure on the poor kids. They can’t see how making your child an extension of you takes away their ability to become who they are. Losing the bio link almost forces this clean slate of seeing your child for who they are, not looking for yourself in them. I find tremendous value and beauty in raising your children this way.
I could not feel more in love or more pure joy for my little toddler. I love watching him become who he is everyday. I have never stared at him looking for ‘my nose’ or my ‘competitiveness’. He seems fully unique from me and his completely own person. I am not downplaying or judging the desire of many to create little versions of them and their partner. I get it. That is pretty common and normal. I have just found fascination and fulfillment in seeing who this little being is regardless of my genes in him and how I can create an environment for him to thrive. That makes me confident our family will embrace and grow with any mixture of babies we are lucky enough to bring in.
Having had the privilege to bring a miracle IVF baby into our family has taught me so much about what a Mom means to me. I have found out that a bio link or genetic link is not what a Mother is to me. It is all the other nurturing and caring and loving and worrying and sleepless nights and dedication. The love and care given to the child placed in your arms.
Final side note. A mother is also someone who has seen a positive pregnancy test- felt the deep hope and love only to lose the pregnancy. It is someone who lies in bed yearning for a positive pregnancy test so they can finally give all the love that is bottled up in their heart and soul. A mother is someone still waiting their turn for a miracle but finds the strength to celebrate the babies and children around them. The love in your heart makes you a Mom. I hope those of you still waiting and pleading and hoping are kind to yourselves today. Take a moment to celebrate your strength. My heart is with you.