***trigger warning: scary first few weeks of ‘p’ and some talk about being ‘p’
I am going to be honest here. The first few months of being ‘P’ were hard. Super hard. We fight and battle and claw our way with blind relentlessness just to see those two lines, to hear those words from your clinic, to finally be ‘P’. It seems so rough and a bit surprising that the next phase should be in some ways more mentally challenging. Notice I don’t say harder. I am hard pressed to find anything harder than being in the desperate rat wheel of IF/RPL. The negative after negative, failed cycle after cycle, life on hold as people and the world pass you by. Yet you must hold it together, be gracious, keep hope and keep fighting. That is harder. The knowledge of that never leaves me. Not for a second.
Doesn’t make the mental challenge of literally carrying something you have dreamed of inside you but not knowing if it will last, if it will stay any easier. Will it all be ok or if it will be ripped from you once again. Leaving you even more devastated because you were that much closer. The dream was growing inside you. You know the statistics. You know that doubling beta is good but not near a guarantee. You know a first good ultrasound is great but not even close to safe. You know a second good ultrasound is really good but darn it still not clear.
I was going through this mental challenge when the day after my first good ultrasound, I started bleeding. A lot. Every chemical and every miscarriage I bled. I fell to the floor sobbing. I just knew it was over. My husband held me together and we rushed in for another ultrasound. Miraculously the heart was still beating. But the doctor on call cruelly told me ‘bleeding causes miscarriage and miscarriage causes bleeding. It doesn’t look good’. I understand her need to temper expectations but that is all that kept repeating in my head for weeks. I went home and was in bed for the entire next week. My husband and my Mom took over the house and parenting and I lay in bed near comatose desperately checked for blood (it abated quickly but I didn’t know if it would come back). I sometimes couldn’t breath out of fear. I didn’t do anything but lie there. No reading no Netflix just trying to keep my mind blank and prepare for my next bleeding check. It was to this day- the hardest week of my life.
Yet miraculously my symptoms got stronger. I started to get such strong morning sickness the miserableness of it quelched the mental fear. I started to hope for it to get worse. The worse I felt physically the better I felt mentally. A strange situation. I would puke and then cry with happiness. I would lie in bed moaning and tearing up at the same time.
Then came the next ultrasound and progressive symptoms and finally I could breath a little. I took back my life duties and kept plowing ahead.
Now here I am- a few weeks into my second tri after a good NT scan and just hanging onto every shred of gratitude that comes my way. I don’t know how I somehow made it to this point but all I am focusing on is the moment. My current fortune. I can’t begin to understand how the world works. Why me now? I mean logistically the miracle gift of donor eggs is the answer to the above but it is still not a guarantee. I chose a path that statistically would lead to this right now at some point. But it could have been longer. It could have been harder.
Those of you reading this and wondering why me for a different reason. Why isn’t it my turn? Why another failure? When will it end? I hope in the short future you will look back on this moment and realize the light was just up ahead. You were almost there. The energy and stamina is takes to keep going is something that builds inside us, making us stronger and stronger. That doesn’t make this all worth it, but it does leave us with lasting strength to face the future. It does make you beautifully resilient in the face of hardship. It does give you profound depth to the joy when it comes.
Xoxo
Amy M. said:
I’m sorry you went through that, and that the Dr was so harsh. There are other ways she could have gotten her point across I would think. I’m really glad you got through it though! I hope things continue to be uneventful for you, and you get through the other side with a beautiful new little in your arms happy and healthy. The fact that you can make your mind go blank is something amazing…I wish I could do that! Anyway, hang in there…you’re so strong, you’re doing great!
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you so much! Your words mean a lot to me. Xo
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Amy M. said:
You’re welcome 🙂
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Pamela J said:
I think I am just done with emotions about any of this. I feel like a rag that has been wrung out to the very last drop. I just don’t have anything left. I think I am in robot mode until a baby is in my arms. I just can’t do this anymore.
And my husband is in even worse shape. And that is nearly impossible to bear.
We keep thinking our light is so close. And yet all it does, every time, every year, is retreat.
(Sorry. I’m also in pity party mode.)
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mamajo23 said:
Ugh I know that place. Just a short time ago we got confirmation of a miscarriage the same day we were denied a place to move because of our bad credit from all our ivf loans, my husband got bad work news, two family members announced a pregnancy and I received a surprise 3k medical bill. In the same freaking day. It was a low low time. I think autopilot is ok. Anyway you get through this just know it will eventually be over. Man is it hard to see our husbands suffering too. Just sending love. Hope this crap time goes by fast.
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mamajo23 said:
Please see my comment below xo
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Pamela J said:
OMG, that is a bad day! Sending retroactive hugs… Hugs that defy the spacetime continuum. (I wonder if anyone is sending me some right now?) (Sorry, we just watched Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.)
We’ll survive. It’s what we do. We have our little pity party (and chocolate, and coffee, and wine, and ballet, and soccer) and then move on.
Blah. Tired of the whole routine.
But hey, I’ve got a cat and a sweet husband sleeping on my lap. It could be worse.
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Pamela J said:
By the way, very, very sorry that horrible scary week happened to you. And so, so, so glad it was all OK!
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you. Thank you. This sure isn’t for the weak but it all doesn’t matter how hard it is/was one day. It will just be the past 🙂
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Surviving Infertility said:
Ugh, the first tri is so hard. Especially after recurrent loss. I (unfortunately) found the entire pregnancy to be that way, not to say I didnt enjoy moments from time to time. I know u will pull through this, because u are one of the strongest bloggers I have come across in this community. Just keep your focus on the end goal as u have all these years. Sending love.
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you so much ❤️❤️
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Upside of IF said:
Wow, that is so tough. Every minute of being pregnant after IF/RPL is truly beautiful and terrifying. I have had some occasional brown spotting and it changes my attitude the whole day, so I cannot imagine what you must have gone through. You are a great writer, as well.
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mamajo23 said:
That’s so nice. I appreciate your comment and support. Xo
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30yr old nothing said:
The bleeding incident sounds so scary, I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m so excited for the 2nd trimester. Following your journey makes me so happy :).
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mamajo23 said:
You are the sweetest. Thank you!
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EmilyMaine said:
“P” after loss and IF is nothing short of harrowing. Add in bleeding and OH MY GOSH. I am so pleased that things are progressing well for you x
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mamajo23 said:
So true. Thank you!
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stealingnectar said:
So excited for you. Hugs!!! Thanks for updating us!
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My Perfect Breakdown said:
I an beyond thrilled that you “p” is progressing well. I wish you didn’t have to get through such scary moments, but I am completely thrilled that the bleed has passed and babe is doing well!
Wishing you an incredibly boring remainder of your “p”, you don’t need more stress and anxiety. 😊
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you friend.
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RJ said:
I am so happy things are going well after your scary bleeding episode. Experiencing things that you have had during your losses does not make for a reassuring ‘p’. Thank goodness this time was different.
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mamajo23 said:
Thanks so much.
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jivf said:
It seems like people who have had a hard time getting pregnant should get a free pass for all these scary episodes during the 9 months!!
Glad you have people you trust nearby to help during the challenging times. Hope things continue progressing smoothly.
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you so much. Thinking of you as you gear up for this next round. Hope it all flies by
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ourgreatestdesire said:
Ahhh, why can’t all Dr’s have awesome bedside manners?! I’m sorry you had to go through that but so happy you are dong well now and into the 2nd tri. Yay….doing a happy dance over here! Hang in there….and continue to enjoy as many of these “p” moments as you can! ❤️
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you lovely Mama. How is baby girl?
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ourgreatestdesire said:
She is doing fantastic. Starting PT on Friday because her head is a bit tilted to the right but otherwise, her Nicu follow up went great.
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Dubliner in Deutschland said:
oh gosh that must have been such a scary week! I’m so glad to hear that everything seems to be fine again now! I got really worried when I read about the bleeding. Hope the rest of your pregnancy will go well x
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mamajo23 said:
I know- I have experienced bleeding to end in disaster only so beyond grateful for where I am. I hope it helps give someone hope if they ever experience it as well. Thank you for your support. Think of you often.
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