In the shower this morning my mind was wandering. I was thinking back through this whole IF/RPL road. I had little moments and snippets of memories float in and out. On the floor crying and bleeding knowing I was losing my dream. In the RE’s office waiting for yet another IVF cycle to start. Standing in the grocery store next to the milk and hearing ‘sorry it was negative’ for yet another time. So many moments all strung together. It felt so momentous, it felt like it was all so many lifetimes and it felt so unsurmountable at the time.

Then I did the the math and realized it ‘only’ took me a year and a half of IVF for my miracle toddler and two and a half years of IVf/ DE for this current ‘P’. Yes that included a lot of crap and money and bad news and anguish but it wasn’t that long in comparison to many. I have a friend going on her fourth year in pursuit of her first child. Now that must be a special kind of hell. I know of some bloggers going into year seven or even ten trying to find that first and probably only little soul to join their family. How you carry on and even stay positive and so often gracious eludes me.

The realization of all of this struck me. You see, I admit I feel such pride that I have been able to keep my joy and optimism through most of this. I feel strength in my ability to keep fighting and to keep choosing happiness. But you see, I haven’t been truly tested like so many others. How does it feel to be in year four or five or even freaking ten without a child? How do you hang onto hope and joy after loss four or five? I can’t even begin to imagine.

I guess where I am headed with this is I am humbled by what felt like the hardest dang road to travel but might sound like an easy path to others. I have no idea why the world of IF/RPL is endlessly cruel to some and seemingly short lived to others. I am amazed by the strength it takes to have to battle this for as long as some do. I imagine for those fighting so hard and for so long the ability to stay hopeful and joyful is near impossible. It just comes down to survival and to protecting yourself and to finding a way to put one foot in front of the other. I imagine the longer this goes on the more irrevocably people change. I only hope that the eventual joy or peace is that much more magnified as well.

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