It’s all still so unreal to me that I am here, actually ‘P’ with a miracle so many years and failures and losses later. It doesn’t feel like unbridled joy or elation. It just feels like deep gratitude and relief to my core every day that passes.
We had our anatomy ultrasound this morning and I laid there, eyes closed, body tense trying to just breath and have faith while the technician moved the wand around and walked us through everything. Although we genetically tested the embryo, did all the first tri- screening, and even used a donor egg I was nervous. When you get handed so much bad news over and over, you are consistently braced for it. I know I don’t have to tell you all that.
But, miraculously it was all ok and baby girl(!!) is growing healthy. I just don’t know what I did to deserve such fortune right now. People may see a ‘poor infertile lady who suffered 10 IVf failures and three losses and is now carrying a baby from another woman’s egg’. I just feel like the luckiest woman on earth. The road here feels like it all fades away. The fears are etched in the form of hidden worries, the pain is carved in the form of deeper empathy and the naive joy is masked by past reality. But yet the road behind me feels like a blur. Like a faded dirt road full of curves and dips that just simply got me to today. This moment of hope and gratitude.