The sickness is now mostly gone and in its place sits deep hope for what is to come. I find myself marveling that this day is actually here. That I am actually over halfway there ‘p’ with a miracle. If I let it my mind will spiral to fear. Fear that it is all too good and something will happen. But I don’t let it. I pretend I am a naive fertile and I simply embrace hope. It is naturally a tad bit muted because I know too much but I refuse to allow fear to actually beat the joy.
Running around after my now 3 year old miracle IVF son keeps me preoccupied a lot. I dreamt of being able to say that. The fortune of it is not lost on me. I have found I am a much better and present Mom now than during the last two years of Infertility and miscarriage hell. I suppose this shouldn’t come as a surprise but I didn’t realize how often I was just getting by or holding it together. Even tired and sick, I am more present than sad and scared. This could make me sad but I choose to have it make me extra grateful it is not my current situation. I am also proud that my son is happy and carefree and seems to have gotten through it just fine. My promise to myself was I would stop pursuing treatments if I felt like my son was suffering and it seems like I was able to protect him pretty well.
When I feel her move I feel like weeping. Weeping with joy for what is happening. Weeping for the past few years and the losses. Weeping for the many many women just yearning to feel it. Why this road is so cruel to so many I will never know. I hope to do my part to ease the burden and provide hope in any way I find. My dream is to start an IVF non profit funding program to help those who can’t afford IVF. The pain of an IVF cycle failure is crippling but life without the ability or hope of pursuing IVF must be a special kind of agony.
I might be missing something here but the fact that this baby came from a donor egg rarely enters my mind. When it does I greet it with a smile and a little bit of awe that I have been given this gift. This baby will know that another lovely lady made creating her possible and we will deal with any emotions this may bring her along the way but I am pretty confident I will just continue to feel nothing but thankful. I feel lucky to parent a child seperate from my genetics and be able to see her as wholly herself.
I am just thankful every minute of every day for this gift. Lots of love to all of you in your many phases of this ride. I hope you are able to find your way through the hard and the ability to savor the good. Xo