When IF/ RPL bloggers fall pregnant some seem to suffer amnesia and forget about all the triggers and platitudes and comments they have had to suffer through. While this could be a post on its own- I wanted to share my thoughts on one in particular. The ‘don’t give up’ comment.
This is coming from a great place. Someone who has suffered through so much only to finally see it all be worth it probably feels so grateful they didn’t give up before this miracle arrived. They probably want to be inspiration and testimony for others in the middle of the struggle. That is lovely and very understandable. But what they forgot, or don’t realize, is the damage and hurt it can cause.
You see- most likely someone who has battled years and years and years of ‘never giving up’ who has spent tens of thousands of dollars, suffered too many heartbreaks to count, struggled in relationships and daily life and has seen so much time pass them by and life move on ahead without them is reading your ‘advice’. They may be someone who has spent half a decade or a decade on this fight and is nearing the end of their ability to keep fighting. They might be out of money, out of stamina and out of the will to keep living the hell that is IF/RPL. And that’s ok. Not everyone has the typical ‘happy ending’. This person could be looking down the barrel of too much money and time and no guarantees and needs to move on. Having someone tell them ‘don’t give up’ makes them feel like if they have to stop the fight it means they ‘gave up’ and are to blame for the lack of success. It means they should have kept going when maybe it is time to stop. These words might add tremendous guilt and heartache to someone coming to terms with a new chapter starting in their life. They may have made a decision to live their life again on their terms. These words disrupt that and invalidate it.
This may sound strange coming from someone who ‘didn’t give up’. Meaning I went into debt north of 100k and suffered 10 IVF failures and 3 losses before being currently ‘P’ with my miracle donor sibling. But all this was my choice. My husband and I decided together on what we would pursue and do for another child. We were lucky that it eventually happened even if we had to use an alternative donor egg route. That was our decision and our choice. We won’t be buying a home anytime soon (if ever), we struggle with our debt, don’t take vacations and goodness knows where college funds are coming from. But it was right for us. We also ‘only’ had to suffer through all this hell for 3 years. Who knows where I would be at if it was year 5 or 7 or 10.
I won’t ever tell someone ‘don’t give up’. I would say ‘I am glad I kept fighting’ or ‘I hope your miracle is up ahead’ or even ‘I wish you peace in whatever step you decide to take next’. Because sometimes it is not about ‘giving up’ but rather choosing to live again or to live a different life that you finally control.
Just my two cents :). Xo