When IF/ RPL bloggers fall pregnant some seem to suffer amnesia and forget about all the triggers and platitudes and comments they have had to suffer through. While this could be a post on its own- I wanted to share my thoughts on one in particular. The ‘don’t give up’ comment.
This is coming from a great place. Someone who has suffered through so much only to finally see it all be worth it probably feels so grateful they didn’t give up before this miracle arrived. They probably want to be inspiration and testimony for others in the middle of the struggle. That is lovely and very understandable. But what they forgot, or don’t realize, is the damage and hurt it can cause.
You see- most likely someone who has battled years and years and years of ‘never giving up’ who has spent tens of thousands of dollars, suffered too many heartbreaks to count, struggled in relationships and daily life and has seen so much time pass them by and life move on ahead without them is reading your ‘advice’. They may be someone who has spent half a decade or a decade on this fight and is nearing the end of their ability to keep fighting. They might be out of money, out of stamina and out of the will to keep living the hell that is IF/RPL. And that’s ok. Not everyone has the typical ‘happy ending’. This person could be looking down the barrel of too much money and time and no guarantees and needs to move on. Having someone tell them ‘don’t give up’ makes them feel like if they have to stop the fight it means they ‘gave up’ and are to blame for the lack of success. It means they should have kept going when maybe it is time to stop. These words might add tremendous guilt and heartache to someone coming to terms with a new chapter starting in their life. They may have made a decision to live their life again on their terms. These words disrupt that and invalidate it.
This may sound strange coming from someone who ‘didn’t give up’. Meaning I went into debt north of 100k and suffered 10 IVF failures and 3 losses before being currently ‘P’ with my miracle donor sibling. But all this was my choice. My husband and I decided together on what we would pursue and do for another child. We were lucky that it eventually happened even if we had to use an alternative donor egg route. That was our decision and our choice. We won’t be buying a home anytime soon (if ever), we struggle with our debt, don’t take vacations and goodness knows where college funds are coming from. But it was right for us. We also ‘only’ had to suffer through all this hell for 3 years. Who knows where I would be at if it was year 5 or 7 or 10.
I won’t ever tell someone ‘don’t give up’. I would say ‘I am glad I kept fighting’ or ‘I hope your miracle is up ahead’ or even ‘I wish you peace in whatever step you decide to take next’. Because sometimes it is not about ‘giving up’ but rather choosing to live again or to live a different life that you finally control.
Just my two cents :). Xo
Isabelle said:
Thank you for this post. Exactly my thoughts. I have heard so many “Don’t Give Up”s in my life. Sometimes I feel like educating and sometimes I just stop talking to the people who repeatedly say that, esp. my friends who finally got pregnant after years of struggling. Stopping treatment is not giving up. It’s a conscious choice that a person makes with serious consideration.
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mamajo23 said:
So agree. Xo
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RJ said:
Great post. Thank you for writing about it, as it is a great reminder to us that there are different endings for everyone. It helps to be mindful of what we say in our blogs (mine included).
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you. I know I have totally said the wrong thing many times but trying to be as aware as I can. Xo
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mylifeasacasestudy said:
Preach! I’m sure I’ve made faux pas but always looking for ways to validate and support others–this is a great point to make ❤
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mamajo23 said:
Aww thanks. Haven’t we all?? How are you doing today? Sending my love.
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mylifeasacasestudy said:
Feeling decent today and doc appointment went better than expected–thanks for asking. Will update tomorrow! ❤ XOXO
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jonsie13 said:
I have felt the same way when reading that comment. Everyone has a point at which they can go no further. That could be after 1 cycle, or 12.
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mamajo23 said:
Agree!
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My Perfect Breakdown said:
I gave up according to many people – we never did treatments because we couldn’t see any scientific proof that they would help considering we could get pregnant naturally. And again, according many we “gave up” after 5 losses when we chose to stop trying. Yet today I am a mother to the most amazing little boy and I am thankful every day we “gave up” and turned to adoption. “Giving up” was the best thing we ever did.
Also, for the record, I don’t think for and second that we “gave up.” We knew what was best for us and we made the decision to make choices to stop the constant losses and pursue adoption. We all have choice and those choices, even if they don’t reault in a child, should be celebrated. I will never say to someone not to give up because the last thing I ever want to do is cause feelings of shame and hurt in another person and I believe that’s exactly what can happen when people preach “don’t give up”. So anyways, all of this is to say, every word you write is completely accurate in my opinion!!
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mamajo23 said:
Amen to all of that!!!!
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journeyformybaby said:
Funny that you wrote this because I was just thinking this a few days ago!! I’m sure I’ve been guilty of telling someone to not give up, but the realization did eventually dawn on me that moving on from one path to another doesn’t equal “giving up”. And even if it did, that is your right to decide if the pressure and stress and cost of trying have exceeded what you are willing/able to do. Good post.
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mamajo23 said:
That’s a great way to put it– just moving on to another path. Xo
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myrainbowdream said:
Great post. I know at some point in the not so distant future we will have to make the decision to to end this journey without reaching our destination. Although it feels like a battle, it will not be that I am ‘giving up’. It can not go on forever and it will be devastating to make the decision to move on. The good intended words of others is often hard to take. I am pretty sure I have probably been guilty of this myself at times, I hope that we can all be a bit more aware of how easy it is to say the wrong thing. xo
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mamajo23 said:
Well said. I know endings of anything can always be beginnings of something too. Xo
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30yr old nothing said:
*applause*… you know how I feel about this bit of advice. Thank you for driving the point home and so tactfully as well :).
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Marixsa said:
Well said, with such grace and tact and true understanding. Love this post. xx 🙂
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you. Xo
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Mamalife said:
I’ve been guilty of telling don’t give up and been put in place too 🙂 by my readers.
Well said.. sometimes giving up is healing, knowing when to give up is liberating..
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mamajo23 said:
Haha. Readers are good for putting us in our place :). Xo
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jivf said:
Sometimes I wonder if there’s too much expectations from non-IFers. People do mean well and they just can’t imagine what we go through. I don’t disagree with anything you said, I just think that it’s a lot to expect people to think of the nitty gritty nuances of every day language. When someone says something stupid to me (i.e., “don’t give up”; “it will happen”; “you just need to relax” or something equally unhelpful), I try to assume they’re saying it from a place of encouragement and not to be purposefully hurtful.
I’ll never know the challenges some people face, like growing up with a challenged sibling or being a serial dater unlucky in love, and what triggers offend them. I can try to commiserate but for someone who is going through those challenges anything I say may be a trigger and I may not even know it.
I think it’s a two way street: educating your circle of people around what your triggers are and at the same time not take everything literally or assume the worst. At the end of the day it’s about mutual respect and adaptability regarding each person’s situation.
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mamajo23 said:
Definitely fair. This was aimed at IF/RPL ‘ers who have walked the path and I personally think should try to be as sensitive as they can. Doesn’t mean we don’t all make mistakes or say thinks hurtful on accident- that is just complex human nature. Honestly I give people who haven’t been here before a lot of grace. They just don’t know. I err on the side of assuming they mean well. But those of us that have heard the platitudes before and hated it should do our best to remember the triggers when we can. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
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jivf said:
I hear. I missed that it was aimed at that particular group. We all make mistakes but you’re right in that people who have been here (whether they went on to have kids or not) should be expected to know more.
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mamajo23 said:
I do appreciate your perspective though. Good to hear other sides and rational thought in the intense and emotional ride.
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delayedbutnotdeniedblog said:
Oh my gosh, was I the reason for this post? I don’t think I am. I don’t have RPL and I haven’t welcomed a baby. Last week, I shared my friend’s testimony who suffered on this journey for 11 years. At the end I said, “be encouraged.” I think be encouraged is different from don’t give up. It’s easy for people on the other side of this mountain to say that. Because they have their miracle! I do have “don’t give up” messages — to myself — because I personally believe it’s going to happen for me. Even if other people think I’m crazy for believing this. Yes, sadly, some people in my life don’t think it’s going to happen for me. Rarely, do people say, “how are you coping?” I say “be encouraged” because no one ever tells me that. And I’m sensitive to what people say.
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mamajo23 said:
I feel so bad you even thought this. SO not about you or anyone actually. I loved that post!! I am the same way as you are actually. Lots of love!
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delayedbutnotdeniedblog said:
It’s my insecurity talking :). Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, I now recall that you starred that post. Thanks for your support. Thank you for articulating thoughts and emotions I have a hard time doing so at the moment. 😘
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mamajo23 said:
That’s sweet. So appreciate your support and your blog!
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Betty said:
Thank you for your post. I’ve seen so many smug “look at my miracle!” posts in my groups this last week. It drives me nuts because with DOR, someone else having a miracle doesn’t mean I ever will so it’s not a hopeful message for me.
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mamajo23 said:
I so get it. Someone else’s miracle is great for them but not a guarantee for us. Hugs.
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Pamela J said:
Oooh, this is a good one that I totall forgot on my Top 15 Things Not to Say to the Fertility-Challenged:
You’re right — this one drives me nuts, too, *epecially* coming from people who should know better. There are NO guarantees. It’s a little easier for me to take since we have no plans of “giving up” on being parents (though we’ve already “given up” on IVF after three tries, and we “gave up” on an egg donor because it’s too expensive vis-a-vis the success rates with the California Conceptions donor embryo program — and if 3 tries don’t work, we may well “give up” on that program and look into foster adoption or egg donation in Mexico or the Czech Republic).
But even on the California Conceptions Facebook group, the people who succeed (which is the vast majority, eventually) are always saying, “Don’t give up, trust the process!” Well, that’s easy for them to say now. For 1/3 or so of the people, it doesn’t work on the first or second try (which is sooooo painful amid all the huge success rates), and for maybe 15% of the people, it never works at all.
And when you’re still in the pit of uncertainty, you know damn well that could be you.
Sometimes it actually does make me feel a bit better if they say, in a suitably humble way (they so easily could have been on the wrong side of the stats themselves), to keep a little hope if trying again.
But “Don’t despair yet, take heart, this *may* be it, and if so it will be so worth it” is different than a cheerful “Don’t give up!”
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theskyandback said:
I sooooooo agree with every word of this. During my journey, every time I would hear those words, and every time I would think about stopping, I would feel like less of a person somehow. Like, other people could keep going and I might not be able to, so they deserved a miracle, but I did not. On the other side of the coin, I hated when friends and family told me to stop trying. One time my dad called me and more or less said I was going to get a divorce if I didn’t stop trying for a second child. He meant well, but if hurt. Deciding when to stop (or not) is such a personal decision.
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mamajo23 said:
So true about both points! Xo
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differentshoresblog said:
Great piece. I agree with all. People have very different factors, medically, for a start. What works for one person won’t work for someone else with a very different prognosis. I was upset and annoyed when a pregnant friend admonished me to carry on trying, when I was psychologically ready to stop trying and move on with my life. We had a very different set of factors: she conceived quite easily yet miscarried; I never conceived at all and had zero ovarian reserve. It is disorientating and distressing when you have mentally come to terms with something only to be told that you are “giving up” and should keep pushing. She angered me at the time and I still get angry when people circulate stuff on Twitter etc – I can’t stand inspirational “never give up” memes in the context of infertility. I think people should keep them to themselves.
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mamajo23 said:
Very well said. Everyone has a different diagnosis, situation etc. Kind of like forcing your own religion on someone else- it is well meaning but arrogant or ignorant at best.
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Mali said:
Oh brava! I think I’m going to write a post and link to this. It’s so good to read something with this level of empathy and understanding. Thank you.
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mamajo23 said:
Oh thank you. It is a topic I am pretty passionate about. Xo
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Mali said:
In fact, I read some more of your posts, and you inspired me to write this – http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2017/04/a-great-example-of-knowing-better-and.html
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Jess said:
Oh, THANK YOU so much for writing this post. I’m here from Mali’s post, and it brought tears to my eyes. Because I am at that point of “I can’t take anymore, I can’t do this any longer” myself, and I get the most resistance from people (in “real life,” thankfully not blogger friends) who got their miracle, who “made it” to the other side, who can’t fathom “Just giving up.” If I hear “Hang in there and it WILL happen” one more time from someone who gets to tuck their child in at night, who doesn’t know what it’s like to be at this point of utter exhaustion and cost to health and sanity and life together after fighting for so long through so many processes and having them all be “NO,” I might scream. I am hanging in there, but by a thread. Around my neck. (Not dramatic at all, ha.) I love your acknowledgement that everyone’s ENOUGH is different, that everyone’s choices are made with different factors in mind. I love this post so much. I love that you are sensitive to this issue, which I really didn’t expect to encounter. Just what I needed to read today!
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you for such a thoughtful and real commment. I think real strength and character and bravery comes from knowing the point and being able to navigate it the best for YOU not for the people around you who might offer empty promises or platitudes. Sending so much love to you and peace in knowing the right next step- the right next beginning for you. Xoxo
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Dubliner in Deutschland said:
Yes absolutely. I hate when people who previously went through infertility or RPL are pregnant/have their baby and start telling everyone else something like ‘never give up’! Like you said it is meant from a good place and for them things have worked out but everyone’s situation is completely different. Endless IVF cycles can take a huge tole on one’s health, bank account, marriage and mental health! Everyone has different limits too. And once people do decide or consider stopping they need support not comments asking them if they have considered x,y,z. I told a good friend recently that most likely our 4th IVF will be our last (for various reasons which I had explained) and her answer was to ask me if I have considered going to India and getting a surrogate! x
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