And just like that- the PTSD rears its head again. I was doing so well. I passed the elusive 24 week mark and even shared a picture to social media where I look P (not a cute announcement or anything but just a soft share so we don’t all of a sudden have a baby out of nowhere to friends that we haven’t told). I had a great weekend with my family and have been able to train my brain almost like a fertile to ease away the fear and just live in the moment.

Then last night I had pulsing and minor aching near my hips and lower abdomen ( rationally I know it is round ligament pain) but my head just went into a tailspin. The fears came rushing back and the realization that there is no guarantee here was front and center.

Today the ache is still there, however slight and I am a mess. I don’t really want to clue in my husband because he has been such a saint and I don’t want to make him be a part of this fear. I just want to hibernate for the rest of this ‘P’ and have time fly. I know my PTSD is excacerbated by the fact that my twin sis entered the hospital with pre-eclampsia at this stage and was in there miraculously on bed rest for three months until her twins were born. But it was a scary and awful three months. That makes me extra anxious and worried with every twinge I feel.

I know how lucky I am to be in this moment. For this to be my current fear but it is still pretty scary and awful. I am just breathing, distracting and hoping time goes by fast.