I have found that since becoming ‘P’ I have shared the struggle it took to get here even more than before. When women welcome me into the world of a normal ‘P’ person I feel the need to adamantly declare that I barely made it here. My response to the cashier who just offered a simple congratulations was “thank you- it took years and so many rounds of treatment to get here”. To my son’s teacher I respond even a bit further and say “I am so grateful I was able to pursue and find success with donor eggs.”
I just find that I have this pressing desire to make sure others know it isn’t always easy. I want them to be aware of how hard conception is for so many. I want the ladies behind me in the checkout stand to hear my quick story in case they too are struggling. I want his teacher to see the face of a woman using donor eggs to bring real ness and awareness to the struggle in case someone she knows may be facing it.
I am sure my husband understandably finds it a bit weird when I over share to a stranger but he would never say anything or insist I be more discreet. He knows my passion for bringing awareness and empathy. He knows I feel intense gratitude and maybe a bit of guilt about why I have had this fortune. My story to fertiles probably sounds like a nightmare ( 10 plus IVF rounds, miscarriages, surgery, donor eggs) but to others struggling to conceive I am the lucky one. In my head and heart- I am the lucky one.
In the era of glossy social media, filters on pictures, fashion and lifestyle and mommy bloggers who paint this image of what life should be, of what happiness looks like, of what success and beauty and a good life should be- I want to offer up a messy and dirty and real version of that ‘happy ending’. I would never want someone to look at my life and think ‘wow she has it so great’ and have that make them feel less about their own life. I would much prefer they say ‘well life has been a bit messy and unconventional but she is making it work’. I would even rather them say ‘thank goodness that isn’t me’ as I know some of my fertile friends say to themselves. If my own life can make others feel inspired or even better about theirs that to me is so much better than anyone ever seeing me as a glossy mom picture and coveting what I have. I can’t imagine why some work hard to make other’s jealous of them. Why would you want to cause other people that pain? It does nothing to enrich your life and only harms theirs.
After all- as my own mother would remind us over and over and over growing up ‘people will forget what you said, they will forget what you did but they will never forget how you made them feel’. A Maya Angelou quote that we had on our fridge. In this short and fleeting and unpredictable life- I can only hope that my existence has made those around me feel good about their own.
So-that is why I over share. I do it in hopes it randomly reaches someone quietly struggling. I do it in hopes it removes the illusion of my ‘perfect life’ happily married with a toddler and baby on the way. I do it because if making strangers or friends a bit uncomfortable in the moment means they are more empathetic and thoughtful in further moments than it is worth it.
Xoxo
theskyandback said:
I love this. I tend to overshare as well, but I never really thought too much about why I did it. I love this analysis and your thought process. Soldier on, warrior. I do think real change can start from interactions like this. And I love that Mays Angelou quote–totally gonna share with Lettie!
LikeLike
mamajo23 said:
Love seeing your name pop up. Such a beautiful Mom to those girls ๐๐
LikeLiked by 1 person
Amy M. said:
My husband tells me I overshare all the time. When people comment on Cadence, I almost always say something about our fight to get her here. Some people are really thrown by it, some ask questions, I think my most typical response is “Oh…really?” I hope that some day it won’t be such a hush-hush subject and people will feel a bit freer to speak about infertility. I try to do my part to make that happen…you go on doing yours! *hugs*
LikeLiked by 1 person
mamajo23 said:
Amen sister!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
delayedbutnotdeniedblog said:
I honestly don’t think it’s going to be a hush-hush issue when the millennials start experiencing infertility. Just watch attitudes and behaviors on this subject change 10-15 years from now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
mamajo23 said:
Thank you so much for such nice comments. And totally agree about millenials! They know how to over share everything!
LikeLiked by 1 person
delayedbutnotdeniedblog said:
Plus, they haven’t really experienced hardships. I realize I’m generalizing. Their parents and professors have protected them so much from heartache and pain that they will be in for a real eye opener when infertility hits. The sight of pregnant people will probably trigger them and there won’t be any safe spaces with coloring books and stuffed toys to help them cope.
LikeLiked by 1 person
EmilyMaine said:
Hear hear! I don’t keep the struggle secret either. I think it is important that we talk about it otherwise how are others to know? To know someone else is struggling, to know the path isn’t smooth for so many out there. Oversharing is education.
LikeLiked by 2 people
countingpinklines said:
Thank you! Honestly, it’s people like you over-sharing that has helped me gain comfort and normalize my own issues (and why I try and by open myself).
LikeLiked by 1 person
julie said:
I am a major over sharer!!! There is no need to be quiet about infertility and the struggle to conceive. There is a woman in my office who remains super quiet about hers but I feel better with spreading the word that it can affect anyone and its ok to talk about it. I’m also one of the crazy ones who strongly feels all 50 states should have mandatory fertility coverage!
LikeLiked by 1 person
mamajo23 said:
So with you!!
LikeLike
egglessnest said:
I did/still do the exact same thing! I also tend to answer that awful question: “do y’all want to have more kids?” with a long, drawn out explanation of what all we have to go through to get pregnant. It’s always funny to see the shock on their faces. Mothers of twins particularly hate me because I’m that person that thinks it’s okay to ask them if they got pregnant using fertility treatments, but I feel like I have to right to ask that because I’m using it as a bonding technique? They may not feel that way though – I’m just a complete over-sharer!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pamela J said:
This is such a wonderful post. I feel very similarly about it, and that’s why I keep my blog — and why I’ve recently started sharing it more widely. (I’ve also been open on Facebook about some tough times, including my first miscarriage.)
It’s not easy to let go of that ego impulse to show the world the vision of yourself you think you should project. In the places where I was educated, achievement is king and the future is not about struggle, it’s about SUCCESS. As if most people — who don’t have rich parents — can succeed without struggle. (And actually, even if you have rich parents, meaningful success can be that much harder because it can require breaking away from a cushy but possibly meaningless life just waiting to be handed to you.)
In my twenties I traveled the world on a shoestring and sent emails to my list, and sometimes I would marvel at how much better those emails were than my actual life. I’d leave out the constipation, the loneliness, how dead broke I was sometimes. (One low point was stealing food from a Moscow hotel breakfast buffet and then getting violently ill from it.) Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. But I’m not gonna lie — I airbrushed them sometimes.
Thankfully I mellowed out as the years passed and realized no one’s life is perfect all the time, and pretending so is a recipe for making everyone miserable. I don’t care anymore if people are impressed, and it’s wonderfully liberating. You’re exactly right — how you make people feel is the most important thing. And feeling “impressed” isn’t always the best feeling, LOL! Seeing behind the facade — the good and the bad — is much more comforting. It makes you more likely to want to be friends with that person and not feel like they’re in some other category.
We’re all in the same category, and good or bad things can happen to any of us at any moment. Better if we face that reality open-eyed, together.
LikeLiked by 1 person
mamajo23 said:
As always- your articulate it all so well. Your travels do sound pretty thrilling. So glad you have all those memories ( even some hard ones).
LikeLike
30yr old nothing said:
You know, I’ve been having these imaginary conversations with people about how I would overshare about our struggles. I thought it strange that I’m very excited to one day overshare for exactly the same reasons you describe but I’m glad others out there are oversharing too. We have to, we owe it to each other to spread awareness. My husband is very private and I have yet to discuss my plans for oversharing with him. I just hope he agrees. Love this post ๐
LikeLiked by 1 person
Monica said:
I wandered over from MPB’s blog and found myself nodding along with every word of this post! During our six year infertility journey, my husband and I shared our struggles with very few people. Then, when I was finally visibly pregnant, it was as though the floodgates had opened and I couldn’t stop talking about it. I was motivated by the memories of how many times other people’s pregnancies had (unintentionally) stung me, and I so badly did not want my pregnancy to ruin the day of someone else who was struggling, or for anyone to assume I was just another smug fertile! Looking back, I now wish we’d been more open and over-shared our experiences earlier, but we made the decision we thought would protect our fragile hearts at the time. Lucky there are brave people like you putting it all out there and making others less afraid to do the same. Great writing!
LikeLiked by 1 person
mamajo23 said:
Thank you so much. We all have to protect ourselves the best we can. Appreciate you reading!
LikeLike
delayedbutnotdeniedblog said:
I just want to say thank you so much for oversharing. You have no idea what it means to us infertiles as we are in the wait of our miracles. Usually, people have infertility amnesia and pretend that infertility never happened to them so they can appear normal like fertiles. **cough cough Beyonce – obviously, she didn’t get your mom’s teaching** That’s what our RESOLVE peer facilitator speculates – people want to forget that infertility ever happened and project that they are normal. When it happens for us (and I’m holding hope), I plan to tell the whole world. I also plan to make clothing and accessories to educate the public and encourage people on the infertility sojourn/journey the amount of work it took to get to this point. Your mother seems really sweet and caring and she raised amazing daughters.
LikeLike
ourgreatestdesire said:
I love this! I probably overshare as well. Especially because in all honestly, if you look at the kiddos we have now, both A and our fosters…you wouldn’t immediately be able to tell they’re not our biological children. That and I have such a need in me now to encourage those who have felt God to put it on their heart to foster or adopt. That’s easier to do if they know I’m doing it too. Keep sharing and teaching and encouraging, my Friend!!!
LikeLike
mamajo23 said:
Glad to be over sharing along side you! Xoxo
LikeLiked by 1 person