I am not sure if I follow a certain sample of women or if the blogs I follow are representative but I have been mentally struggling lately with the unfairness of how Infertility/ RPL and even late pregnancy struggles are. It seems like women who struggle so hard to get pregnant, then have losses and even later pregnancy complications. It really doesn’t seem like someone should have to endure one, let alone two or even three of those issues.
It feels like nature is punishing some women-and those women are so deserving of joy and ease. I know we all think about those drug addicted mother’s of four young kids, or abusive Moms or young teen moms and just wonder how it is fair they procreate with no issues. It is pretty clear that fertility is not doled out based on who deserves it. So that being said, I struggle with the why and who. I think this internal struggle would be easier if I had the unwavering faith some have. The belief that God ordains it all and has a plan. While I certainly believe in a higher power, I am not quite sold that this higher power determines each individual hardship as part of a plan. That just doesn’t ring absolute truth to me. It feels a bit more random than that.
So as my mind wanders to the why and who, I veer it back to what really matters and is understandable to me- the ‘then what’. So bad things happen to good people. They just do. It is what we do next that matters. How do we cope, how to we move on, how to we not let it make us bitter, how do we turn it into a lesson, a way to feel gratitude for the good?
We cannot control what is not in our control (duh). So we control what we can. Our attitude, our minds, our ability to persevere, how we deepen our compassion and open up our hearts. When I get sad or mad about what some beautiful and lovely women have had to endure, I remind myself that while I have had plenty of suffering, I never felt victimized. I very rarely asked why me but rather, ok now what? Where do we go from here. How do I make this ok? It is that ability, that vital skill I have had to hone that reminds me good can come from bad. Not in the moment, often not even in the following months but eventually it can come.
The most trite statement is ‘life is short’. But it’s true. It’s finite. It is a compilation of the now, of the present moment. Not anticipation of tomorrow’s. If something is able to bring you the ability to appreciate more present moments, to look for joy when it is hidden, then that is ultimately a life gift. After the initial rehabilitating despair and grief that follows a miscarriage comes that light that shines through unexpectedly. Facing that tragic death highlights the life that surrounds us. The world seems raw and the sun on your face feels like a new start shining down, the grass looks greener, husband’s hugs feel more comforting and hope for the future seems precarious but profound and precious. I imagine life after accepting kids are not an option is often like this. Hard and raw but filled with hidden bursts of unexpected light. Light that may have not previously made its way through.
I guess my point of this post is to share how I personally grapple and tackle the unfairness of IF/ RPL. Lots of love to all of you in the many phases this path takes. Xo