My husband’s Aunt was unable to have children. She was one of the first cases of IVF and she tried everything. She is now 60 and living a beautiful life with her husband. Doesn’t mean the pain goes away. It is muted, often gone for a long period of time and replaced by joy on many occasions. But the pain of not having children can easily resurface. She is now at the age when her siblings are becoming Grandparents. She has to face the grief all over again and this time people seem to have forgotten to be sensitive and loving to her.
My SIL ( her niece) just had a baby and she is copied on all the sappy pictures, all the excited declarations that the grandparents make. It has brought up so many emotions in me. When I receive these mass email or texts she is on my heart hurts for her. I feel like it could have easily been me if we hadn’t had the medical advancements we have today. My heart breaks at the lack of awareness others have for her. I know we can’t all walk on eggshells all the time. I also know that she has healed a lot and some of this pain is projected but it still upsets me.
I finally reached out to her separately today. I said– I know you embrace and welcome all new lives into the family but thinking of you as I imagine there is some pain that comes along with it. Her response was beautiful. She acknowledged the pain, expressed gratitude for the recognition but said her rich and full and beautiful life has made her ok. While she still has pangs missing the beautiful moments and now will miss another milestone of being a grandmother, she has peace on her heart.
To me- it highlights a few things. One- compassion is always needed. We should all do our best to care for those around us. Two- there is no timeline for grief. Don’t put one on it. Three- Infertility warriors are a special breed. We learn to find joy in so many aspects of life. We are resilient, resourceful and strong. Finally- life childless or childfree can be beautiful and rich and lovely. Not pain free. But what life isn’t? But fulfilling and full of meaning and splendid. Doesn’t mean we should forget to be sensitive and caring. That is always the right approach.
Love to all of you.
xo
Fighting Infertility 
I’m impressed at her grace and resilience!
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Me too. She is amazing!
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She sounds like a beautiful, amazing woman.
Do you think your SIL possibly asked her separately, as you did, if she wanted to be part of the emails or not because of what she went through? I imagine that it could also be hurtful to her to be left out of things. I know that a couple years ago, I wasn’t informed that my cousin’s girlfriend was pregnant (again); I only found out when my aunt posted that she was a grandmother again. It was like I was slammed by a truck, it hurt incredibly that nobody could bother to inform me that my cousin was having another child. At the time I was in the thick of IVF, which I’m sure made me take it harder than it would have otherwise. But I much would have preferred for someone to let me know it was coming, than to just randomly see a picture of a new cousin I had no clue was on the way.
I’m not downplaying any of your points in the least, please don’t take it that way. Just looking at it from another perspective.
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All extremely great points. I appreciate your comment a lot. She didn’t ask her ahead of time but I think her inclusion is way better than being excluded like you pointed out. I guess I just wish everyone was sensitive in the emails ( comments like ‘being a grandma is all I have ever hoped for’ etc were to me a little much BUT in a way it is good people treat her the same to your point. I suppose I can see both sides. Xo
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Yeah people shouldn’t necessary hit the “reply to all” button, they only need to send stuff like that to your SIL herself. That would be too much!
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Replied below 🙂
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I try to remind myself that not everyone gets to do everything. I will never fly like an eagle. I will never climb a tree like a squirrel. I will never win an Olympic gymnastics gold medal. (I’ll probably never even perfect a front handspring.) I’ll never win a World Cup. My upper back will never bend backwards like a ballerina’s.
But I get to do a lot of things. A lot of pretty damn cool things.
That said, barring anything too crazy happening, I will be a mom. I’ll find a way.
It’s heartbreaking to think of all the people throughout history who didn’t have as many options as I do. If I didn’t have those options, I like to think I’d have managed to find peace. But I’d appreciate someone remembering now and then that life hadn’t quite gone like I’d planned.
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That was sweet of you to reach out to her. I’m glad to hear she has reached a good place now. There is so much that can be learned from this journey. Even if I move on from the infertility struggle, I would like to remain sensitive and compassionate to others.
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That was sweet that you reached out to your aunt – I know it was much appreciated to acknowledged. My aunt also had a hard time with pregnancy, she lost several babies that would have lived today if technology would have been as advanced. She did have one son but the loss of the others still weighs on her. During her time of loss, she watched her sister-in-law have five baby boys which she eventually abandoned. I have talked with my aunt a lot during our struggles to be parents since understands the pain. She also shows me that while it will always hurt, life goes on and you will too.
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She sounds beautiful, just like you!
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❤️❤️❤️
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Love this post, love you. I agree with all the points. Compassion is always needed. There can never, ever be too much compassion in this world. It is my greatest hope that my struggles have made me more compassionate and a better friend than before. Your aunt sounds like a lovely, strong woman (just like you). ❤️
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Thank you my beautiful and inspirational friend ❤️❤️
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I completely agree that compassion is always needed. Everyone has some challenge they’re dealing with and kindness is appreciated by all.
That said, the situation in this post terrifies me. It’s one thing to be struggling through infertility during one part of your life. But to struggle with it forevermore, revisiting the heartache and reliving the challenge with every stage of life? It sounds truly awful. I know that I am projecting and your husband’s aunt may very well have made her peace with it.
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I know- it has always terrified me too. I think that is why we went to such extreme lengths so have our babies because it was always less terrifying than the alternative. I think as long as that is the case- the fight is worth fighting. She just ended up in a position where she decided donor eggs and adopting was less desirable than moving on. I think that helped her healing. From reading your blog you are nowhere even close to that spot. That being said– her attitude and ability to find peace is something I really think many women who end this struggle without a child have. That is inspiring to see.
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I’m so glad you reached out to your aunt ❤ XO
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At the beginning of this I had pang of anxiety and sadness thinking about a having to be reminded of infertility when grandchildren come but by the end your aunt’s grace calmed me down. I’m glad that she’s coping well and thriving, actually.
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Truth.
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Thank you for sharing your aunt’s story. I’m 56, not too terribly much younger than she is, and have walked a similar path. I am sure she appreciated that you reached out to her as you did. Even if she has built a good life for herself, believe me, it’s not fun to feel feel forgotten or ignored or the odd one out. ❤
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Very much appreciate your comment. Glad to hear your perspective ❤️
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Thanks for this. I’ve noticed that as I get older, any vestiges of interest in, or sympathy for, my infertility and subsequent lack of children has dwindled to zero. You’re 45: get over it. The waters close over it and it literally no longer exists. It is not a thing. So it’s better to ‘own it’ and be childfree, because empathy is short-lived. I’m often quite shocked when I think that all my close family know but seem to have completely forgotten that I had IVF and failed. It”s simply as if it never happened. If I were single, I don’t know how I’d cope. I’d certainly take myself off all the WhatsApp groups and I’d keep away from my own aunt (5 grandkids and counting), who says things like “What is there at my age if there isn’t grandchildren?”. Horrible. There’s definite amnesia and lack of feeling in families. I’m glad your aunt has a rich life. The more years that pass, the more family forget. Your aunt is lucky to have you!
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Thank you for such a nice comment and I am sorry people seem to have put a time stamp on your grieving and loss. No matter how rich and full life is for you now. It seems to be quite common and really short sided and lacking. Definitely stay away from that Aunt- although my goodness I hope I never think that myself, how depressing. Xo
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Yes! I love that: infertility warriors!!
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