Dreams- both day dreams and night dreams have gotten so vivid lately. It is a little jarring. Most are benign but a few have crept up and shaken me a bit.
Not one to share my actual dreams (can we say boring??) with others but I have had a few past IF memories come flooding back. Complete with the emotions and feeling I had when they occurred. Most have been receiving bad news on beta days. Having had 10 failed IVF cycles along with many second or third or fourth beta’s that signaled a miscarriage- there are many of these terrible memories for my mind to re-live.
Over the years of receiving bad news my husband and I tried out many ways of receiving them to see if we could buffer the pain. We tested before, we waited to be together to hear the news, my husband called then delivered it to me, I just answered the call, we asked the clinic to email the news etc. They were all so terrible. All so painful. All so gut wrenching. All so demoralizing. All so dream crushing. All bad.
The worst one by far was when I had my husband get the news from the clinic first then call me. I kept texting him asking if he had heard and as the hours passed I felt faint and scared and shaken waiting for the results. This was the cycle we had all the odds in our favor (transferred two perfectly normal PGS tested hatching day 5 embryos into an ERA tested lining). I felt pregnant. I just knew I was. So when he finally called to give me the bad news I was on the couch ready to celebrate. I don’t believe it when he said ‘I’m so sorry, it’s not positive’. I kept saying ‘you have to be lying. No. No. Call them back. You are lying. Why. Why. No this can’t be true’. I was crying and pleading and screaming. I can only imagine it was even worse for him to go through. For some reason this particle scene keeps replaying in my head. The despair I felt. The pain of the news. Me screaming and pleading. My poor husband with no idea how to handle it.
When I think back to this particular failure, while it was the worst emotionally, it was also a turning point in how I approached IF. After this cycle, I stopped thinking it worked. I stopped trying to read my body or predict when it would happen. I decided to simply go through the motions and follow doctor orders, take the meds, get the procedures, move to other options, all while guarding myself emotionally. This isn’t to say I gave up. I didn’t at all. My husband and I had decided we would follow a path to another baby whether it ended up being donor egg, adoption, foster etc. We had no idea how shitty and long it would end up being but we had decided to pursue any way possible. This made me give up emotions for each cycle, each option and just wait for the phase to one day be over. Somehow, someway.
This turning point finally allowed me to live a little better during all the waiting. The failures afterwards were bad but in my head they were also one failed cycle closer to the end. Closer to our one day child. I was able to regroup quicker, to compartmentalize better. I was also able to accept and embrace alternative options like donor eggs.
I follow a number of blogs where the women feel like God has already pre ordained when they will receive their child. This seems to give them comfort and take the pressure off. While I don’t share that particular faith, my turning point kind of felt like giving it up to God except giving it up to a combo of science/ fate/outside help.
I know there are so many ways to approach, cope and survive in IF land. Some need to just be in the moment. Some need to feel invested in each cycle, each outcome. Some don’t want to imagine other options or the need to pursue that. Some need to leave the door open to living without a child. All of them I respect. All of them are the right one for the right person at that time. I just wanted to share my particular turning point in this hell that helped me cope a bit better removing forward. Helped me weather the shit storm and tidal waves of grief and hope.
Sending love to you all.
xo
akblueberry said:
I like the way at looking at failed cycles as one failed cycle closer to the end. I find comfort in that kind of thinking – all moving forward and onward.
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mamajo23 said:
Totally. It really seems to help and is actually quite true.
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Betty said:
Wow, that was an intense read. I can’t imagine having to cope with that particular memory you shared. Positive hpts don’t get my hopes up anymore because I’ve had to hold back so I don’t get hurt. Have you been able to enjoy this pregnancy or was there a point you were able to not feel guarded?
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mamajo23 said:
I understand your sentiment about positive hpt’s- I feel the same way. Honestly around week 15 I made a mental decision to act like a fertile. Meaning any doubts or fears that crept in I pushed out and pretended I was ignorant to what could go wrong. It has mostly worked. I have moments of fear but I feel like I have been able to train my mind decently well.
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countingpinklines said:
*Hug*
I can feel myself move more and more towards that type of things – just let go and let the doctor/nurse/procedure take care of what’s involved. Do everything involved but not having any expectations of what would work. I think also the ectopic totally screwed with my sense of probabilities so now, things don’t really make sense the way they used to.
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mamajo23 said:
I could definitely see that. It is hard to be on the tough side of odds. Makes you just kind of let go. Hugs back.
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Isabelle said:
I think the cycle I truly let go was the one where the best and PGS tested normal embryo got transferred into the best lining that my gestational carrier could provide, and yet it was a failure. I am one of those who really gave it up to God. And the subsequent cycle, I did. And that was the cycle we were successful (so far). It was that cycle that I was the most guarded and mostly calm because I truly knew that it was so out of my hands and control that I truly took it one day at a time and sometimes a few moments at a time.
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delayedbutnotdeniedblog said:
I’m so sorry you are reliving those flashbacks! Those sound terribly painful. Hugs from the East Coast.
The “we’re one day/month/cycle” closer to our meeting our child was a sentiment I read on an online message board a while ago – say, 2013? That idea/concept/positive thinking has helped me cope in the valleys of heartache and pain.
About “giving it up to God and science/fate/outside help”: Most scientific breakthroughs come from Judeo-Christian countries. I believe IVF is from God. For those who don’t share that thinking, I argue they are putting God in a box. He can do anything. Nothing is impossible with Him.
Thank you for writing this and thank you for caring about those of us in the wait. Thank you for not having infertility amnesia. Like Betty said a few weeks ago, “you must be one of the bestest [not a word, I know] friends your best friends have.” Or something to that effect she said. You know what I’m saying. 🙂 Your level of compassion and caring has no ceiling or limit. You’re inspiring the rest of us in our corner of the internet to be more compassionate and better human beings. 🙂
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mamajo23 said:
Oh my I got so emotional reading this comment. I love your comment about God helping create IVF- I am certainly open to that and admire your faith in it. Thank you for such a lovely compliment. Infertility amnesia baffles me and actually gets me quite heated so really appreciate you saying I don’t suffer from it. Big huge hug back to you from the West coast!
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Pamela J said:
As a woman married to a Muslim, and who lived in the Muslim world for three years, I think it’s worth noting that Western science would not be where it is if not for the caretakers of the Golden Age of Islam, not to mention the many fundamental discoveries made in that time.
God is not just in Judeo-Christian countries. If there is a God, I don’t think s/he plays favorites like that. Living in the Middle East taught me things I couldn’t have learned at any university.
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delayedbutnotdeniedblog said:
I was talking about in the context of IVF. I wasn’t trying to be dismissive of advances in countries where Islam is practiced. For example, I understand algebra started in the Golden Age of Islam.
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mamajo23 said:
I didn’t take your comment as dismissive at all- for what it is worth. Just a faith based comment. I am working on having faith in something greater than me so appreciate the perspective.
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mamajo23 said:
I would have to agree with this. The God I believe in certainly does not play favorites based on rituals etc.
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EmilyMaine said:
Oh my heart ached for you when I read that moment with your husband. So sad. I feel like the longer you are in this whole mess the less attached and invested you are able to become with each cycle. Or at least that was my experience. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I was actually pregnant. I had absolutely no idea as I’d been so detached and my expectations were so low. The mind is so powerful.
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mamajo23 said:
My goodness that is so true. Xo
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myjourneycreatinglife said:
Great post. Thanks for sharing!
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Pamela J said:
My turning point came with my most recent failure. Like always, I visualized, I talked to the embryos, I believed with all my heart that this was it. Especially since this time, for once, our odds were well north of 50% — 65%, to be exact. And I got a positive beta. Followed by a worrying beta, but then two more strong ones.
Then it was time for the ultrasound, and I was sure it had simply been twins and one “vanished,” leaving a healthy baby.
Nope. There was a beautiful gestational sac, but the right stuff wasn’t in it. My doctor, for the first time ever, hugged me. Numb (once again, just numb), I had to stumble to my car and call my husband with YET MORE bad news. Always with the bad news. How many times are we both going to have to crumble over the phone?
After that something broke in me. This time I’m not visualizing the kids. I’m not writing notes to them in my journal. I won’t talk to them. I take patches and pills like they’re vitamins, I’ll get on the plane like I’m just going to visit my sister, I’ll go to the clinic like I’m just getting a pap smear. Whatever happens will happen, and all my sentimental voodoo won’t change it. So why bother when it just makes losses that much harder?
So now I’m kind of a zombie when it comes to this stuff — in a good way. As much as I can manage.
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mamajo23 said:
I totally understand. I think it was a helpful coping mechanism for me to just go through the motions at some point.
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30yr old nothing said:
My heart broke reading about that painful failure. I don’t know how I would cope with that. *hugs*.
I hate that you have to relive these moments, but I guess it will never truly go away. xx
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Dubliner in Deutschland said:
I’m sorry to hear about those recent bad dreams, that sounds awful. You have had to have that negative call way too many times. We also tried some different approaches regarding testing beforehand or not and my husband finding out first and then telling me. All awful in the end when the call isn’t positive. I think a certain amount of hope is needed to get through a cycle, it’s hard to stay totally neutral. I used to also try to have plan Bs at the back of my mind and that helped somewhat. I’m glad you also found an approach that made the process a little more bearable. x
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mamajo23 said:
Thank you so much. Very happy for your recent news ❤️
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