As a follow up to my post yesterday ( and sparked by an insightful comment). I wanted to validate the pain that IF/ RPL is.
If you woke up wondering how and why you have to face it all again today. If you woke up feeling like you must be weak because the fight feels like it is being sapped from you. Just know, it isn’t your weakness or inability to cope. This road really is that hard.
We often get lost in the turbulence of emotions. The frustration, pain and desperation constantly fighting with the will of the human spirit to find joy, hope and balance. Some days you feel ok and even good, others you wonder how you can keep doing this.
I remember wondering how to gain better perspective. How to let go and just believe it will happen when it happens. I would wonder why it was so hard for me to take it in stride. I eventually ‘gained perspective’ and even felt like I was able to fully be happy in the struggle. But truly being out of the fight I realize it took everything out of me to keep myself going and find happiness. And even those moments were tainted by the deep pain and fear of this pursuit for a child(ren).
When you are out of the never ending Groundhog Day from hell that is RPL/IF you realize that yes it really is that hard. That you held onto the good moments when you could but you were often a shell of your former self. When you are finally out, you feel gratitude for emerging but also sadness for how much the fight took. You feel guilt for those still in it because you know it really is that hard. You refresh your browser ten times an hour waiting for your fellow bloggers beta results because you know how everything can change in an instant. You want that change to lead to the other side for them.
So to those of you surrounded by friends or family that don’t understand why each day your dreams stay unfulfilled is so hard. By society that doesn’t validate this struggle. Even by a partner that doesn’t get why you are hiding out from yet another family function. I get it. We get it. You are not alone in the pain even though it feels like it. It’s ok to be jealous and mad and frustrated and angry. It isn’t because you aren’t being strong enough. It is because it takes everything out of you and just getting through it is a great accomplishment. Sending my love.