It has been a beautiful and messy go around here lately. Beautiful because my deepest dreams have come true in the form or my miracle babies and messy because there is a lot that comes with that. Sick little ones, trips, endless needs and tiring all nighters and worries about money. All of that mess is my privilege and my honor but it is still sometimes hard.
It got me thinking about how people measure the good and the bad and the hard. When my baby was sick I just thought ‘all I want is for her to be healthy and I will just be happy no matter what’. But then she got better and something else stressed me out and I ‘just wanted that to be solved and then I will be happy’. You get the cycle. I started to notice it when I had my own scary health scare (I am totally fine) and realized I need to keep it in check. So everyday I reflect on the days where all I wanted was to be a Mom and it seems to shift the lens into focus and make my world feel bright and warm even when it might be a tough day. I remember that feeling of despair and hope. That cycle that takes you on a roller coaster of hell you never wanted to get on. The feeling of having to hide when you see someone ‘p’ or cry to yourself when another person around you becomes a Mom. The irony of not drinking because you want to get pregnant, not because you are. The wrenching pain of seeing a hint of a loss when you go to the bathroom early in a pregnancy. The fear waiting for a beta call, the air going out of your lungs when the Doppler is moving around to find a heartbeat. All of it. I think about it all, take a deep breath and remember that I am here, in this moment that I wanted so badly. It is a beautiful feeling to be in it.
Then I got to thinking about what life would feel like if I just had two kids when I wanted to. If it was just easy. I bet I would be missing some major perspective. I would bet staying up all night with a sick baby would make me so stressed and upset instead of give me that tinge of gratitude when I am holding her and tearfully realizing ‘wow, I have a baby’ (this feeling has never gone away, not even for my miracle 4 year old). I bet the money worries would stress my husband and I out instead of us both heart-fully agreeing having our family is a million times more important than being debt free. I bet some silly drama with friends or family would feel so big. I bet what would feel like a smaller struggle to be now would just feel bigger without the perspective.
I have started following and reading about women who are childfree not by choice. I have a sense of awe for the strength it takes but also like to see them emerge as women on their own right. Not as Moms but as complete beings. I find it inspiring. I bet for them having to totally shift what your life and identity looks like gives them something valuable. It forces them to re-paint how their world and their future looks like. The path may feel so hard at first but then maybe the whole big world opens up. They realize they have so many facets they never explored in the pursuit to a baby.
Anyway. A bit rambling there in the end but it has been a while since I shared my thoughts.
I know I have some fellow DE IVF readers so I find it necessary to once again state that my miracle DE baby is the greatest gift possible. She is all mine, all perfection and worth every last penny and sacrifice and moment. If you are the heart of things or facing a DE or alternative route. It is ok. It will be ok. It will feel so right. All my love.