I sit here on this cozy Saturday somehow weeks into my third tri and feeling emotional/ nostalgic and grateful. For those of you contemplating, pursuing or in the middle of building your family with donor eggs, I wanted to share my current thoughts and feelings.
I usually forget this little one is made from donor eggs. I manage not to even think about it for days, even weeks and then I remember out of nowhere. My immediate emotion is relief and love. Relief that I was able to end this hell of an IF/RPL ride because another woman gave me a path out. Love for her (even though it is anonymous). Love for the gift she has given us and love for this miracle that we fought to make. I am yet to feel sadness or wistfulness thinking about the loss of my own eggs. Instead I feel more confident that I am creating a little human with young and healthy eggs. So many times my own eggs failed me and I am so glad to have those days of worry and guilt and irrational self disappointment behind me. It’s so strange. I have read about so many other emotions and was prepared for them. I have none of them so far. Instead I just feel such love for everyone that created this miracle and deep content and happiness.
I took out her profile this morning. I haven’t looked at it since before we found out we were ‘P’. While it is anonymous ( no name etc) I loved looking at her beautiful and happy smiling face and reading over again who she is through her questions and history. I used to think I just wanted the eggs and then to move on but now I feel like if our child wants to learn more about her one day, so do I. Just simply to give her a hug and tell her we love her.
Sometimes I dare dream about life on the other side (as Infertility and loss warriors we are trained to prepare for the worst not daydream about the good). It fills me with something near euphoria. I imagine being able to drink actual caffeine again instead of herbal tea. I dream about running miles without worrying about hurting my ovaries or hormones. I dream about a glass of whiskey (have not had anything stronger than an occasional glass of wine after a loss in over 4 years). Heck, maybe even two glasses and a nice buzz in front of a fire snuggling with my husband. I dream about a life without a doctor appointment every week, many times every other day. A life where I don’t walk away subconsciously praying for a good outcome or good news or another milestone or for this hell to be over. A life where money is spent on the now, not on a mostly fruitless desperate hope for the future. A life where my hormone levels are in the normal range and I can watch a commercial without crying.
I think about how all of that might be possible because a lovely young lady gave us this gift. I think about the large sum of money we paid and feel happy that it hopefully paid her school loans or made her life a bit easier. I look at our 4D ultrasound picture and stare lovingly at this miracle’s face. Eager to see who she is. My husband and I were giggling the other night imagining our amusement when well meaning folks claim she has ‘my nose’ or ‘my smile’. It just makes us laugh imagining it. While we will be open with her and family and close friends about donor eggs, it is not something we feel we need everyone and even strangers to know. That is her information to share openly as she sees fit.
I am aware there may be ups and downs in the future but for this moment in time, I just feel peace and happiness that this is where our path has led. Love to all of you wherever you may be on this road.