***sensitivity warning: this discussing life after ivf/ donor egg treatment success. Not a great post to read unless you want inspiration to keep plugging along or are since resolved. Please take care of yourself and protect your own needs.***
Here I sit, on the other side of 10 Failed IVF cycles, 3 miscarriages and a donor egg pursuit. To the outside eye I have an unconventional family with a child from another woman’s eggs, I am over 100k in debt from years and years of treatment and have survived loss after loss. I am sure many feel happy they aren’t me or glad their road was easier or cheaper or shorter. (I also know a select few would give anything for what I have).
But guess what? Life is better than I could ever even hope. It is all I could dream up. The chaos greets me early in the morning. My often whining 3 (almost 4 year old) and minimal sleeping 1 month old and stressed husband trying to pay our bills and debt and C section scar and lingering pain and messy house and just sit for one second thinking ‘how did I get so lucky??’. I love the chaos. I am so in love with my adorable miracle boy even when he is whining or yelling. My little sweet daughter is everything I could hope for. I marvel at her little hands and nose at 3am while I am nursing her with little sleep. The origin of her genetics unremarkable in the magic she is. I hug my stressed husband tight and we both agree it is all worth it and money is nothing compared to our full house.
So many moments leading up to this were so awful. The call from the clinic with yet another failed cycle. The blood arriving one week into a pregnancy. The plummeting credit score as we mount more debt. The baby showers with quiet mourning, the announcements and ensuing jealousy. The days and weeks and months going by not knowing when it will end, if it will end. So much of it was horrific.
All of that pain and anguish pales in comparison to the joy that is here today. I have no idea why or how it took all of that. But I no longer care. It all led to this. I am so ever grateful.
I hope these words don’t hurt anyone. I hope they articulate that third party reproduction, that life after loss, that an unconventional path can be just as happy as your plan A happening. That the pain and hurt and anguish is digging a deeper and deeper well to be one day filled to the brim with joy.