My husband and I both have always had similar coping mechanisms and attitudes throughout this infertility journey. We have both stayed positive, hopeful and tried our best to take things in stride. I can’t remember an argument we have had and the only tears we (well I while he consoles me) have shed have been right after a BFP. Then we just pick ourselves up and are plucky and hopeful again.
We have even gotten to a point where we can joke about it. We lovingly look at our son and say we can’t wait to tell him the beautiful story of his conception when five people were in the room making it happen.
My eternal optimism and upbeat attitude faltered momentarily a few times this holiday when I thought about the start of yet another cycle and felt kind of exhausted and frustrated. I quickly shrugged it off and turned my brain to positive thoughts. It works for the most part but I can’t help but feel a nagging pessimism on the back of my mind ready to pounce at any moment.
Then my husband said something last night that I didn’t even know I needed to hear. We were talking about his sibling who has announced she will be getting pregnant with her first child in the summer. We were marveling at the innocence of the statement and I expressed a tad bit of envy that they most likely won’t spend close to 100k and years and years trying to have a family. My husband turned to me and said that in the long run we will be better parents, have happier lives and have overall more joy because of this struggle. He cited how we rarely get upset at early mornings or even crying fits but rather sit there in awe and love that we get to have the privilege to experience it. He said he knows when this hellish part is finally over- we will be the lucky ones. We will be the ones with perspective. Costly and painful yes- but still a gift.
I needed this so badly. First- I needed to believe I hadn’t made his life worse or harder with my DOR. And secondly- he reminded me that when we can finally get past this phase it will be a gift. We will be the ones with deep gratitude that overshadows the stress and shallow parts of being a parent. So many parents I know who have had an easy road to get there seem stressed about small stuff and don’t seem to have the deep gratitude they get to be stressed about it.
I have felt so much lighter today. I think taking out a loan, ordering more meds and thinking about starting over made me lose this much needed perspective of the end goal. I truly believe that when the hell of IF is over all of us will have the tools and experience for a more fulfilling life. It is so hard to see and the road is longer and harder for some but we have to believe the end goal makes the battle worth it. In the meantime I will try my best to enjoy the moments until we get there.