Dreams- both day dreams and night dreams have gotten so vivid lately. It is a little jarring. Most are benign but a few have crept up and shaken me a bit.
Not one to share my actual dreams (can we say boring??) with others but I have had a few past IF memories come flooding back. Complete with the emotions and feeling I had when they occurred. Most have been receiving bad news on beta days. Having had 10 failed IVF cycles along with many second or third or fourth beta’s that signaled a miscarriage- there are many of these terrible memories for my mind to re-live.
Over the years of receiving bad news my husband and I tried out many ways of receiving them to see if we could buffer the pain. We tested before, we waited to be together to hear the news, my husband called then delivered it to me, I just answered the call, we asked the clinic to email the news etc. They were all so terrible. All so painful. All so gut wrenching. All so demoralizing. All so dream crushing. All bad.
The worst one by far was when I had my husband get the news from the clinic first then call me. I kept texting him asking if he had heard and as the hours passed I felt faint and scared and shaken waiting for the results. This was the cycle we had all the odds in our favor (transferred two perfectly normal PGS tested hatching day 5 embryos into an ERA tested lining). I felt pregnant. I just knew I was. So when he finally called to give me the bad news I was on the couch ready to celebrate. I don’t believe it when he said ‘I’m so sorry, it’s not positive’. I kept saying ‘you have to be lying. No. No. Call them back. You are lying. Why. Why. No this can’t be true’. I was crying and pleading and screaming. I can only imagine it was even worse for him to go through. For some reason this particle scene keeps replaying in my head. The despair I felt. The pain of the news. Me screaming and pleading. My poor husband with no idea how to handle it.
When I think back to this particular failure, while it was the worst emotionally, it was also a turning point in how I approached IF. After this cycle, I stopped thinking it worked. I stopped trying to read my body or predict when it would happen. I decided to simply go through the motions and follow doctor orders, take the meds, get the procedures, move to other options, all while guarding myself emotionally. This isn’t to say I gave up. I didn’t at all. My husband and I had decided we would follow a path to another baby whether it ended up being donor egg, adoption, foster etc. We had no idea how shitty and long it would end up being but we had decided to pursue any way possible. This made me give up emotions for each cycle, each option and just wait for the phase to one day be over. Somehow, someway.
This turning point finally allowed me to live a little better during all the waiting. The failures afterwards were bad but in my head they were also one failed cycle closer to the end. Closer to our one day child. I was able to regroup quicker, to compartmentalize better. I was also able to accept and embrace alternative options like donor eggs.
I follow a number of blogs where the women feel like God has already pre ordained when they will receive their child. This seems to give them comfort and take the pressure off. While I don’t share that particular faith, my turning point kind of felt like giving it up to God except giving it up to a combo of science/ fate/outside help.
I know there are so many ways to approach, cope and survive in IF land. Some need to just be in the moment. Some need to feel invested in each cycle, each outcome. Some don’t want to imagine other options or the need to pursue that. Some need to leave the door open to living without a child. All of them I respect. All of them are the right one for the right person at that time. I just wanted to share my particular turning point in this hell that helped me cope a bit better removing forward. Helped me weather the shit storm and tidal waves of grief and hope.
Sending love to you all.