Thank you all for your support earlier this week. It was a rough patch that is thankfully better now. Going to my doctor and sharing my worries with you and loved ones helped. Thank you so much.
I have also thought a lot about the privilege of being where I am, as well as the different paths those of us in this community end up taking. I wanted to share a few thoughts.
One– even when things are a bit (or even a lot) mentally rough and scary– I will not and cannot lose sight of my fortune to be carrying this miracle. It is a gift given to me, not a right earned and I will always treat it as such. I cannot relate to other ‘P’ women who think they are accomplishing something amazing. They like to moan and groan about how hard it is on their body and how they are accomplishing a great feat. Maybe a bit true- but to me it is not a personal accomplishment. Rather, I feel as though I was randomly gifted something to humbly treasure through the good and bad.
I have also had a number of conversations with some of my best friends who have chosen or been handed a child free life. As hard as I have fought to have children, I weirdly can understand how life can be just as good (maybe in some cases better), albeit look differently than mine. I hear the stories of personal goals, passions, travel, even mundane gardening. I see how they carry the torch of their own fulfillment and carry it well. I also see other Mom friends struggling in comparison. Struggling to find an identity, to find joy in their everyday life. It brings to light how different each of our paths are and how much power we have mentally to control our fortune and happiness. It reminds me that life shouldn’t look the same for everyone: college–marriage–kids–retirement. In fact, so many follow that path because it is what society drills into you. My own struggle has made me see that as hard as I have fought to follow some kind of semblance of this, adhering to it is not where I have been given my greatest joy.
My point here is that, I hope to not get caught up in my timeline and expected plans all along the way. I must admit it has driven me a lot In life. I just wanted to be ‘normal’ and follow the steps people around me seemed to do so easily. I am going to try to let that go a bit. To look around me where I am at and find what is good and right, instead of always looking ahead.
Now this is a lot easier to say for me than for someone still waiting in the trenches for that one break, that light to emerge, the carousel of purgatory and waiting to end. I get that because I have been there over and over and over. I don’t pretend to share platitudes or wisdoms of ‘just enjoy the moment’ or ‘it will happen’ etc. I simply just share than I have noticed happiness and joy looks a lot different than we initially expect. So let’s make sure we are not missing it along the way.