As I approach another birthday I am oddly having major flashes of my previous three birthdays. One where I was stimming during yet another IVF cycle- feeling bloated and yucky and unable to eat or drink or be fun. One where I had just gotten the call that yet another beta was dropping and I would soon miscarry. One where I was on my tenth round of BCPs suppressing my ovaries and trying so hard to feel hopeful but instead just feeling defeated and silly.
It is tough to relive. Even tougher to go through. Milestones like birthdays and holidays are just rough when you are still in the trenches. Still waking up with dreams unfulfilled and longings deepened. It is a reminder you are still stuck and still left behind. You feel like you need to celebrate the milestone or holiday but in reality you just want time to pass, unmarked until this is all over. You know you should live in the moment. And you try to. Even occasionally able to. But then the weight of it comes down again. Another announcement, a big belly passing you in the grocery store, a comment at a party. And it is all just so exhausting.
As I approach this birthday my focus is on sending love and light to those still facing milestones with a heavy heart. I know how it feels and I will never forget. Can never forget. Xo