Hi there my fellow warriors and blog friends. You have all meant so much to me for a long time. I carry a piece of your love and strength with me always. I hope my story and my words can help anyone out there looking for support or compassion. If you just stumbled on this blog please look through my past posts if you want to read about one woman’s fearless and optimistic journey through 10 IVF cycles, three losses and a surgery and then, finally, a successful Donor Egg cycle. That may sound like a lot of shit but to me it is the exact amount that lead me to my miracle DE daughter and it is all so worth it. If you want to read about someone who is more than a million percent happy she chose donor eggs you are in the right spot.
This space has always been about finding joy and hope in the pain. About persevering through the hurt. About commiserating through the anger and fear. About plodding along with a scar being etched deeper and deeper the longer it takes.
But here is the thing. I am no longer scarred. I can no longer drum up the pain and agony. I just feel gratitude and love. That may be hard to read and relate to if you are still in the pit of despair. It may make you want to scream or feel even more hurt that yet another person ‘got out’. Or it may make you feel hopeful you can get here one day. I truly hope it is the latter.
This will be my last post because the words in my head and heart are no longer about Infertility. They are simply about life after. It’s not that I don’t still remember the palpable fear and pain. I do. I still get that flash of the fear when I go pee and remember time after time after time I looked for a sign of an impending period or miscarriage. When I read other stories the pain rushes in and my empathy and compassion floods my body. But I’m just not there anymore. I want to live in this moment. Revel in this fortune. That’s hard to write and share because I realize it may sound selfish or lacking empathy. I apologize if it does . I just want to be real here. I want to honor all of you by sharing my truth. The truth is I feel like my role in this community is hopefully a tale of perseverance instead of current commiseration.
I want those of you still clawing to a baby to know that continuing to fight by finding a new path, a donor egg path that could end this hell was one of the best decisions of my life. Living the ground hog day from hell that is Infertility is horrendous. Choosing a way out that you never thought you would have to entertain (donor egg, donor embryo, surrogate, adoption) can often be the best thing you will ever do. That is certainly a personal decision, but if you are like me and knew I HAD to find any way I could to a baby, opening your heart and mind to the HOW can be the most beautiful gift. I don’t know a single person who regrets a child from these circumstances. They are all gifts and meant to be children.
If you are someone who has had to accept a child less or child free life after Infertility let me assure you that life can be so much more than procreation. Two of my dearest friends are in this boat and also happen to be my most fulfilled and joyful friends as well.
So let me leave you with a quote that has sustained me along the way. A quote that kept my tired soul from bitterness. A quote that sums up all of you.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
All my love to you beautiful people,