In the deepest depth of IF/RPL hell- you all know what this is way to well- the moments after the call from a clinic saying you are not pregnant, the moment in the hope filled ultrasound room when you see the look on the doctor’s face, the moment when your friend posts a cute pregnancy announcement exactly three months after her wedding, the moment you stare down a new batch of IVF meds and wonder how you can keep doing it. In those moments I had one promise to myself: not to become bitter. I was ok with being sad, really sad. With being mad, really mad. With frustration, jealousy, all of it. Just not bitter.
Bitterness grows deep inside you and makes you a different person. A darker person. It ages you and wears you down and puts a dark veil over everything. Avoiding it was my one big promise to myself. It is not easy. Having to sacrifice body, mind, wallet and sanity to claw your way to something so many easily obtain can suck the life out of you. Reading news articles about really terrible mothers with five kids can make you scream.
But bitterness eats you up inside. It plants a seed of being the victim. It paints a picture of you vs. the world and can make you even more isolated than this journey makes you feel.
Those that procreate easily did not choose this fate for us. A mean God did not pick us to suffer more. The world did not band against us to make life hard. Similar to how cancer does not discriminate, neither does Infertility. We simply were unlucky in fertility. It is not our fault but it is not anyone else’s fault either. Don’t let the way the world around you seems to move on without you make you feel like it is against you. It isn’t. Even your annoying Aunt who keeps asking about when a baby is coming, or your best friend who knows your struggle yet still harps on about how hard it is to be a Mom to three kids are not against you. They are at worst innocently naive and caught in their own world.
So let yourself feel angry and sad and frustrated and just deflated. But don’t let it make you bitter. You are not battling the fertile world, you are battling the shit that is Infertility. You are making yourself resilient and empathetic and compassionate through this fight. Don’t let it take the core of who you are.
Instead, let it define you as someone who can weather the worst and resurface better. That part is a choice. It may not feel like one and some moments self defeat and sadness is all we can muster. That is ok. But don’t let yourself down the rabbit hole of being bitter. Fight that. You are not Infertility or RPL. You are a simply an amazing woman who happens to be facing IF/RPL.
Sending my love to all of you.
Fighting Infertility 
So true… This spoke to me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤️❤️
LikeLike
Well said.
LikeLike
Wow! Very well said!! Thank you for that!
LikeLike
Beautifully put. A zillion hugs to you xx
LikeLike
I’ve been reflecting a lot about this post and what you said. I have to confess that bitterness did come into my life during infertility. Not only was I dealing with failed cycles, but I was abandoned by my family, many of my friends and was feeling very alone in the world. It was truly the darkest time in my life not only because of the loss of desired children but also because the web of lies a lot of my life and self identity had been built around were exposed and torn away. In the end, a lot of good came out of the ashes (like knowing I was actually lovable and finding my voice), but it was an extremely painful journey that most still don’t understand.
I was once told that bitterness often comes when people aren’t feeling heard or validated. When one comes from a background where a good support system is in place, I think avoiding bitterness is doable. But like with any condition, I think bitterness is actually a symptom of a greater aliment. When there isn’t a support system or one’s world is crashing down around them, is it really fair to tell them not to be bitter? It’s true that staying there for too long impacts one’s health and ability to live, but I see it as an extremely call for help.
As someone who is now on the other side of this journey, I can tell you that though I’m not proud of all my actions and decisions during that period, sitting with some of the ugly parts allowed me to actually identify some deep hurts and root causes. It allowed me to not only begin healing but also to lay down a new foundation. And that was with the help of some amazing people who didn’t judge me for the bitterness I was facing, but instead allowed me a voice and validated the pain.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for taking the time to write this out and share. I really appreciate it a lot. What you said makes so much sense and I am glad you pointed it out. I think I need to make clear ‘staying in the bitterness’ vs feeling bitter in the moment.
I also have absolutely no idea what it is like to not have a strong support system. Mine never wavered. I can’t begin to imagine the strength this all takes without one. Thank you for providing me with your perspective. Sending my love.
LikeLike
Not on here often anymore, dealing with the demons and realizing I’ve become everything this post warns not to be. 😢 You are a gifted person and writer; this is the most influential piece of IF writing I’ve come across in recent years and one I’ll need to bookmark as I try to recreate a changed life.
LikeLike
Oh my. I am so happy to be of any value to you and so sorry this speaks to you so deeply. It sounds like you have amazing introspection and are working towards healing. Hope those demons get worked through in good time and your true beauty and light can shine. You don’t blog anymore do you? My email is joahn23@gmail.com if you ever need an ear.
LikeLike
So well said, my Friend! J and I were just talking the other day about how we’re glad we’ve made it to where we are without being left bitter. It’s been a topic here a lot lately as we work towards an answer of making it permanent not to get pregnant with a hysterectomy.
LikeLike