This year already feels so different than the years of the past. I entered it with another IVF failure (number 6 since my miracle boy) but really who is counting. Not me. Not this year. I can’t quite pinpoint the exact moment of mental change. Maybe the hormones are gone for now, maybe I am just used to the roller coaster, or more likely I am on a total high from the news of my close blogger friend MPB receiving the match of her beautiful baby. When I heard the news the universe just felt right and I couldn’t feel any negativity, not even for my own failure.
It suddenly dawned on me that this journey will have a happy ending. It may not be the one we initially thought. It could be donor eggs, donor embryo, surrogacy, adoption or even something I don’t even have on my radar. And when that ending comes I know it will feel so perfect and I couldn’t imagine it any other way. The miracle of a baby, a child, a little soul that gets to join your family no matter how it got there is so overwhelmingly beautiful that the journey will fade away. I imagine it takes a while for the pain and hardship to disappear completely but I am fully confident the joy will outweigh it.
This realization has made me turn the corner. I have always been positive and hopeful and kept perspective but still felt deep down like life was on pause until my baby was in my arms. I now feel such faith in the eventual ending of this journey that the sting of seeing a pregnant lady, or a friend announcing a baby on the way still has the initial pang ( that must be reflex by now) but disappears rather quickly. I have started the year off soaking in all the joys in my life, reveling in the good news of blogger friends and feeling a sense of peace and hope I haven’t felt for a while.
I realize that not every journey has a textbook ‘happy ending’. I am not naive and know that money can run out, the body can disappoint and plans can fall through. I do however, fully believe that if we can let go of what ‘should be’ and make the most of ‘what is’ and keep fighting and pushing forward we can find our own version of a happy ending. The road may be long, the end may look different than we thought but it can be happy.
I wish that this is the year the journey ends, or hope grows for every one of you. Xo
EmilyMaine said:
I wish that for you too 🙂 xx
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stealingnectar said:
This is beautiful. I always admire your perspective, patience, and pure love for all of those around you. You are nothing short of amazing, and I can’t wait to see what spectacular future is waiting for you. The road for you has been long, but your soul is blooming from all the rain.
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Nara said:
You are seriously one of the best people in the world, and I know this even though we’ve never met in real life. You have a generosity of spirit that shines through, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a post that wasn’t heartfelt and real. I’m so happy for you that you are feeling positive about the future. When you’re as nice as you are, I know that nice things are going to come to you in spades! X
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mamajo23 said:
Oh my goodness what an amazing thing to hear coming from you. I feel the same way reading your posts. You have such a strong and generous spirit. I feel so fortunate to have you in my life even just virtually. Xoxo
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RJ said:
What a beautiful realization. I wish all the best for you.
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mamajo23 said:
Thanks so much! Right back at you!
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Surviving Infertility said:
I think its great you are writing your own happy ending! Good for you. I wish you nothing but the best this year.
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My Perfect Breakdown said:
First, your kindness and love is simply amazing, thank you my friend. I am truly honored that this part of my journey has had such a profound impact on you and you desire to find happiness in all of this.
Second, you make such a brilliant point about finding your happy ending. If you told me 2 years ago my happy ending would involve adoption I would never have believed it. And now, today, I know adoption is the path to my happy ending. I guess, more then anything the road we take and the ultimate ending we find is on us to make it happy.
Third, I so hope you find your own happy ending, whatever that may be, ASAP!
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ourgreatestdesire said:
I wish I could like this post 100 times! I totally get the feeling of elation at MPB’s news too. I cried happy tears when I read that they had a match. It gives so much hope to the rest of us. Wishing you a Blessed 2016!
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mamajo23 said:
I knew you would get it!! A win for all of us. Hope this one amazing year for you!
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30yr old nothing said:
I love when you post. It’s always something that speaks to me when I need it most. I’m struggling to find that peace right now. It’s hard when you’re in between cycles. It feels like life is just passing me by.
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mamajo23 said:
My gosh do I know that feeling. I try to always have something I am doing (higher dose of CoQ10, new exercise routine, anything so I don’t feel stuck). I think the feeling of being stuck and the pressure of a timeline (need to be pregnant by x date or before x happens) are two of the hardest things. If someone could just tell us ‘the road will be long but you will be pregnant or have your baby in your arms by this date’ it would be so much easier. Instead we are working so hard to keep up hope but at the same time not having expectations- a super hard combination. Thinking of you and hope it helps to know we all get it and are in this together.
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30yr old nothing said:
It definitely does help to know that we have cheerleaders. But it would be better to know what the final outcome will be 🙂 :). Oh well.
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